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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, a high proportion of criminal acts are committed by teenagers. Why has this happened? What can be done to deal with this?

The modern trend of youth
crime
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 is one
that is
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 often subject to heated debate. There has been an increase in the number of criminal activities committed by teenagers.
This
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 essay will discuss why
this
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 has occurred and provide several solutions to
this
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 trend. There are some reasons resulting from youth
crime
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. The first argument is that young people are affected by social media.
This
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 is explained by the prolonged exposure to social platforms
such
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 as Facebook or Twitter, which consist of brutal content or illegal activities.
As a result
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,
children
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 have
an
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the
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 inclination to mimic anything that they observe, including heinous
behaviors
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behaviours
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, which can trigger their aggressiveness. The second root of the problem is the irresponsibility of
parents
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. To specify,
children
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 may lack the monitoring or discipline
from
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of
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 their
parents
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. Without the necessary guidance and harsh lessons,
children
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 are unaware of the possible consequences caused by their actions. Take India as an example, with the increase of adopted
children
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, there has been a rise in the
crime
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 rate by 30%, particularly among juvenile criminals.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 trend can be mitigated, provided that some steps are taken. One solution worth mentioning is the
parents
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 being a positive model for
kids
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. From
this
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 step,
parents
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 should demonstrate ethical and lawful actions in front of their
kids
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 and avoid any
misbehavior
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misbehaviour
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 so they can learn and act as law-abiding citizens.
Moreover
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, time should be spent more on
kids
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, which means adults pay more attention to their
kids
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, particularly in caring, teaching, and sharing feelings with each other.
Therefore
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,
this
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 will diminish the level of isolation appearing in many teenagers, which prevents them from overusing social media. A recent study conducted by Can Tho University has shown a significant drop
of
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in
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 stress in
children
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 by 40% when
parents
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 start expressing more positive emotions and
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 towards their
children
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. In conclusion, the rise of juvenile
crime
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 is attributed to several reasons, namely the lack of family support and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overexposure to the virtual world, but a range of measures,
such
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 as
parents
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 being a positive figure and spending more time with
kids
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, can be implemented to address them.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and connects well to the next one.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your ideas, especially in the body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through your ideas.
positive
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
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