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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why?

Many people think focusing on studying is a better way to develop ourselves faster,and from my point of view,I see that's not good enough to enhance your career and gain a lot of experience,
However
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,if you regulate your time and job beside studying that might give you a lot of benefits,
on the other hand
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,that could
also
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 make you an independent person who can usually get everything easily,without relying on someone else. To be honest,getting a job offer is very important for everyone,citizens have to work to pay for their studies and tuition,or at least to help their parents pay their taxes,from my own experience,I used to work part-time in a supermarket when I was in Secondary school level to get my special needs and leave out some money for building my own project,
above all
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,my main goal was not only to get money but to improve my skills and learn how to invest my time and effort to get a perfect future for myself and my family too. In many countries,you will find young teenagers who are trying to effort during their studying period,
in addition
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,they are seeking to build themselves and become a better generation worldwide. I disagree with working after a graduation journey because you might miss important things which are essential for your career,many relatives are forcing their children to focus on their studies only to get higher scores,and that could lead to many repercussions. In conclusion,in
this
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 developing era,the majority of companies need a person with a large number of skills
instead
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 of considering his qualifications only,because they need a resilient employer who can handle problems on his own.

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task achievement
Try to make your main points clearer and more detailed. Each idea should be fully developed with examples and explanations.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, starting with a clear topic sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas smoothly. This helps the flow of your essay and makes it easier to read.
relevant examples
You have provided personal experience, which adds value to your essay.
introduction and conclusion
Your conclusion summarizes the main point effectively, highlighting the importance of skills in the job market.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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