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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many jobs are more stressful and the working day is longer. What are the reasons for this? What can employers do to help employees?

There is growing concern about the stress and amount of
time
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 in
work
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 are higher these days. The writer of
this
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 essay thinks
this
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 is because of the desire to enhance working efficiency and the overuse of technologies.
This
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 problem can be solved by implementing more relaxing times for the
employees
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. Remarkably, the most noticeable reason leading to
this
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 problem is the high demand for productivity.
In other words
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, firms want to gain more financial profits so they have to increase the working progress by increasing the length of their working
time
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.
Additionally
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,
employees
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 who can not follow these changes will start to be eliminated which makes the
work
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 more stressful to the
employees
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as a result
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. Another factor worth considering is the high frequency of using these high-end technologies
such
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 as computers or smartphones.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that keeping eyes on screens
in
Change preposition
for
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 a long-term period will make
employees
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 have some optic problems like nearsighted trauma or sleep deprivation which make them feel tired.
Therefore
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,
this
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 will contribute negatively to both their physical and mental health. To tackle
this
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 dilemma, companies can add more day-offs during their
work
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.
This
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 can be understood that people who
work
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 will have leisure
time
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 to do things they want like spending
time
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 on being with their family or doing their interests.
Moreover
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,
this
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 will help them gain many positive emotions like enjoyment or excitement. In consequence, their rate of stress will be reduced. In conclusion,
although
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this
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 crucial dilemma is caused by the
wants
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want
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 to make the workplace more productive and the abuse of
using
Verb problem
apply
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technological devices like computers and laptops,
this
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 can be bypassed by implementing more day-offs for their
employees
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.
Thus
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, if the measure is not taking account,
this
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 issue will be represented continuously.

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coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide readers on the main idea.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning research on stress at work or studies on productivity.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words between sentences to improve flow and connection in ideas, like 'firstly', 'moreover', and 'finally'.
task achievement
You have identified important reasons for the stress at work, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion clearly summarizes the main points, which provides closure to the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • stress
  • job
  • working day
  • employers
  • help
  • employees
  • demand
  • productivity
  • performance
  • technology
  • competition
  • economic
  • pressure
  • security
  • balance
  • management
  • support
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