IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given chart illustrates the break
down
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the amount of
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who
employed
Add a missing verb
are employed
show examples
 in different types.
Overall
Linking Words
 , the
number
Use synonyms
 of
male
Change to a plural noun
males
show examples
 was higher than females in total.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in all categories,
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 made up a majority of all,
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
except for Professionals and clerical. Taking a look at employed styles
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 have
chossen
Correct your spelling
chosen
 by both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
. As
managers
Add a comma
managers,
show examples
 the female
number
Use synonyms
 was 200 which was just a quarter of
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 similar trend can be seen in Labourers and semi-professionals, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
Add an article
the male
a male
show examples
male
Change to a plural noun
males
show examples
 was 400 and 650, respectively,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 accounted
just
Change preposition
for just
show examples
roundly
Rephrase
about
show examples
two-third
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
show examples
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
. In the opposite trend,
Correct article usage
the professionals
show examples
professionals
Fix the agreement mistake
professional
show examples
 type recognized a surpass of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 where their
number
Use synonyms
 was 700 compared with
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 at 650. Regarding
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
 employed type where a wide range of people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 participate
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. In
tradespoeple
Correct your spelling
tradespeople
, even though the
number
Use synonyms
 of
male
Change to a plural noun
males
show examples
 topped the ranking at exactly 900,
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 female
number
Use synonyms
 was just made up a minority at 100. The familiarity can be observed in Production ,where the amount of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 was fivefold compared to
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, there was less disparity in clerical type as, the
number
Use synonyms
 of both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 held
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 biggest stakes, at approximately 900 with
female
Add an article
the female
a female
show examples
number
Use synonyms
was
Replace the word
being
show examples
 higher.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment figures
  • Sectors
  • Significant disparities
  • Gender balance
  • Skewed
  • Trends
  • Patterns
  • Dominant
  • Inferred
  • Labor market
  • Year-on-year comparison
  • Insights
  • Implications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: