IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

In recent years, the debate of
privacy
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 in technology has
be
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been
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 widely discussed.
While
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 some agree that the authorities should be allowed to supervise personal conversations on mobile phones for
secruity
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security
, many argue that they are entitled to
privacy
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 and refuse for
information
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 to be readily shared.
This
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 essay will
dicuss
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discuss
 both sides of the argument and my views. On the one hand, allowing the government to examine one's communication history can decrease crime rates.
For example
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, in a situation where a person goes missing, being able to access past records and
last
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 interactions can immensely assist in investigations.
Thus
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, knowing that authorities have the ability to trace back and look for clues can prevent crimes from happening.
On the other hand
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, breach of confidential
information
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 reduces the trust citizens will have with the government. Despite the claims that
information
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 will not be shared, there is
this
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 fear that data could be misused. The idea of
higher up
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higher-ups
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 being able to access all their private
information
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 without proper oversight can lead to significant
privacy
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 concerns. In my view,
while
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 I agree that sharing
of
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apply
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data can benefit our well-being, I do not support
other
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others
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 looking without my acknowledgement.
Therefore
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, there is a need for laws concerning the use of our details. First of all, legislation against the misuse of
information
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 should be enforced, and only in emergency situations,
such
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 as national threats and criminal investigations, can authorities access our mobile phone data without our consent, if not, we should be have to have autonomy over our private conversations. With legal limitations and regulations in place, I am optimistic that an increasing number of people will be willing to cooperate and have faith that executives will not manipulate or misuse our details. In conclusion, the degree of intrusion onto people's personal details, be it by the
govenment
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government
 or law
enforcements
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enforcement
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, should be controlled. Everyone has a right to
privacy
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 and must be held accountable if those rights are violated without consent.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but it could be stronger. Try to make your thesis statement more direct.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas, such as 'however' or 'for example' to show contrast or provide examples.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more detail or examples to help make your argument clearer and more convincing.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument well, showing balance in your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion sums up your opinion clearly, which is good for the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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