IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people think that fast food companies should not be allowed to advertise, while others believe that all companies should have the right to advertise Do u agree or disagree with this statement?

Some individuals debate that advertising for junk companies should be banned,
while
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 others agree that all companies must be given the right to promote. I completely agree that marketing for convenience
food
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 must be illegal because
adverts
Correct your spelling
advertising
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 manipulates children and adults which can contribute to ocean pollution and health concerns respectively. One of the key strategies of campaigning for junk
food
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 is to provide something free with it ,which is appealing to the customers. In most
cases
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cases,
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 the target audience here are the children, who are easily tempted by the toys and accessories that come
along with
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 the
food
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. These toys are mainly made of plastic ,which is one of the major reasons for sea pollution as they take years to decompose, leading to the death of many sea creatures.
For instance
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, A report provided by the Social Services Department in India revealed that large amounts of plastic waste, including fast
food
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 toy packaging, were found in coastal waters, endangering sea creatures.
Moreover
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, advertisers
also
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 aim
adults
Change preposition
to adults
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 by marketing the convenience of fast
food
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 , which they are aware that
this
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 technique would be in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
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 of them as people would want to adapt to more easy ways in
this
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 fast-paced world but
this
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also
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 means ignoring healthier ways of living leading to obesity-related diseases .
For
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example
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example,
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 an advertisement of Maggi noodles claiming to cook in two minutes has shown hyperthyroidism in young urban workers, who have consistently eaten them for years. In conclusion, I strongly believe that fast
food
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 companies should not be allowed to advertise. These adverts not only mislead young people but
also
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 harm the environment and contribute to serious health issues. Governments should introduce strict regulations to control the marketing of unhealthy foods.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs each focus on a single main idea. This helps the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Try to include more examples to support your ideas, especially for adult audiences' health issues.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your statements a bit more so that readers can understand your points better. Avoid complex phrases.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic and state it from the beginning, which is good.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and illustrate your points well, showing a good attempt to support your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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