IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ITELS Model Answer: Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the
comtemporary
Correct your spelling
contemporary
 world, there has been a rapid shift towards consumerism.
Domainance
Correct your spelling
Dominance
 of marketing famous consumer
products
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
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 reflected by the high sales, not by the actual wants of the
society
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 in which they are sold. I fully agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 notion,
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 of the
materislistic
Correct your spelling
materialistic
 world.  One of the key factors of
this
Linking Words
 is
,
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apply
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 the advancements in technology.
Advertisments
Correct your spelling
Advertisements
 have gotten very easy to display and reach every member of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 because of electronics
such
Linking Words
 as phones, laptops and televisions. The various kinds of advertisements,
for instance
Linking Words
, posters, videos and billboards, have celebrities and famous people using or gifting the product, which compels their followers and fans to buy the same goods as they want to use the same item as their favourite. Eventually,
this
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 contributes to
surge
Correct article usage
a surge
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 in the sales of the particular consumer good.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the companies pay influencers on social media to market their
products
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 and rate them positively
due to
Linking Words
 which more and more buyers purchase the goods
Linking Words
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
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, not because of urgent need but because of looks or convenience. 
Additionally
Linking Words
, online
product's
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product
show examples
 websites
,
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apply
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keeps
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keep
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 sending emails of newly launched
products
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 to the consumers and
notifing
Correct your spelling
notifying
 them of the
products
Use synonyms
 in their cart. When
the an
Choose an article
the
an
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 individual
open
Change the verb form
opens
show examples
 their website, they show several
products
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 on the home page, forcing the buyer to take a look before moving forward to buy their necessities. These sites
also
Linking Words
 provide huge discounts and free items with
products
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 which
pressurises
Correct subject-verb agreement
pressurise
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 the person to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 as well.
Consequently
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,
this
Linking Words
 creates a
society
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 filled with unnecessary
products
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 which
gets
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get
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 thrown out by the person and into the
waste lands
Correct your spelling
wastelands
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, which
worsen
Correct subject-verb agreement
worsens
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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climate change.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 shift towards
materialistic
Correct article usage
a materialistic
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 is a pressing issue which needs to be
delt
Correct your spelling
dealt
show examples
 with caution. It is true that advertising plays a significant role in shaping consumer
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 and boosting the sales of popular goods, it often does so by creating artificial desires rather than addressing genuine societal needs.

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grammar
Make sure to use complete sentences and avoid grammatical errors. For example, 'Domainance' should be 'Dominance'. Check spelling like 'becuase' should be 'because' and 'notifing' should be 'notifying'.
coherence
Try to connect your ideas better. Use linking words such as 'first', 'next', or 'finally' to make your points clearer and guide the reader through your argument.
examples
It is helpful to give specific examples. Instead of saying 'celebrities and famous people', you can mention a specific celebrity or a well-known brand to make your point stronger.
content
Your argument about the impact of technology on advertising is clear and relevant.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion and stand on the topic, which is important for your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • advertising
  • consumer goods
  • reflect
  • society
  • needs
  • sales
  • popular
  • power
  • influence
  • choices
  • essential
  • gadget
  • marketing
  • promote
  • pressure
  • buy
  • items
  • awareness
  • nutrition
  • choices
What to do next:
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