IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

These days, people often work in more than one job and change careers several times during their lives. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Nowadays, it is very common for
individuals
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 to shift from
one
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 profession to another during their lives. There are a plethora of pros for
this
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 trend, which include good earnings, knowledge enhancement, and so on. It
also
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 has several cons,
such
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 as a focus shuffle and a lack of
time
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 for themselves and their family.
To begin
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, the first and foremost advantage of changing occupations or working more than
one
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 job is good income. To explain it, if people do a little
work
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 at the same
time
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, it will not only help them to earn better but
also
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 nurture their talents and skills, which help
individuals
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 to recognize their interest and capability for choosing the right line of
work
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.
For example
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, before coming to Canada, I was working as a teacher in India;
However
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, in Canada, I serve in an administrative capacity, cashier, pharmacy assistant and many more roles, and at
last
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, I realised my favourite is administration role and now I want to study more in
this
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 field. So, experience in separate fields can make a person eligible to handle multiple tasks and decide which role is suitable to pursue. Moving towards the disadvantages of the trend, the major
one
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 is a lack of
time
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 for family. To clarify, more jobs require extra
time
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, focus, and hard
work
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, which makes the masses busy, causing a difference between family and a sense of loneliness;
as a result
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, some
individuals
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 become victims of mental illness, and most importantly in the important stage of life when they are older and need support than no
one
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 can take care about them
due to
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 shortage of
time
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 and their relations with family.
For instance
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, a survey conducted in Japan showed that parents in America live in old care homes because their children do not want to live with them, which is a result of weak family bonding and a lack of
time
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 spent with each other when they were kids, as their parents had to go to task.
To conclude
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,
although
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 living an expensive lifestyle may require holding multiple jobs, I believe that the side effects,
such
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 as insufficient
time
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 for family, outweigh the benefits. I think a balanced approach is the best solution.
Individuals
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 should focus on their
work
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, but not forget the importance of family.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction provides a good overview of the topic, but you may want to make your thesis more clear by stating the main points you will discuss.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your ideas are mostly clear, try to connect your main points better to help the reader follow your argument more easily. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally'.
Task Achievement
Your conclusion is strong, but you might add a brief summary of your main points to reinforce your argument.
Task Achievement
You mentioned personal experience, which makes your argument more relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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