IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programmes, and other leisure activities for children. How harmful, in your opinion, could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

We live in an age when a large number of
children
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 are addicted to violent
video
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games
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 and social media. There are various possible reasons behind
this
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 trend, and I believe that several measures can be taken to address
this
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 issue. There are a number of reasons why violence in
video
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games
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, television programmes, and other activities is harmful to
children
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. The most conspicuous one lies in the fact that they can negatively influence
children
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’s emotional and behavioural development. If
children
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 are regularly exposed to violent content,
this
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 can lead them to develop harmful behaviours,
such
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 as violence and the inability to control emotions.
Furthermore
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, spending long hours watching harmful content can bring health issues to
children
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.
For instance
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, they can lose their eyesight and because they do not play outside, they can suffer from obesity and delayed physical development.
While
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 acknowledging the aforementioned perspectives, I firmly believe that
this
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 social issue can be solved in several ways. The primary method is for the government to make stringent regulations on age ratings. If the government regulates
video
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games
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 and television programmes,
children
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 can no longer watch inappropriate content and
furthermore
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, they will have healthy hobbies like playing soccer or baseball with friends. Another solution is for parents to monitor and limit their
children
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’s screen time, encouraging them to have other activities.
For instance
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, if parents have a group party with other parents,
this
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 can lead to
children
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 not only having healthier lifestyles but
also
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 maintaining positive relationships with other
children
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. In conclusion,
although
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 there is a growing number of
children
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 who are more inclined to spend time with violent
video
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games
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 and television programmes, there are still a variety of ways governments and families can decrease the addiction of young people towards violent media sources.

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task achievement
Your essay clearly responds to the question with your opinion and reasons. However, you could improve by adding more specific examples or details to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are mostly clear, but some points could be explained more thoroughly for better understanding. Make sure each point connects well to the main topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good summary, but try to make them a bit more engaging to capture the reader's interest.
coherence cohesion
You structured your essay well with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
You mentioned practical solutions that could be applied by governments and parents to solve the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggression
  • mental health
  • social interactions
  • inappropriate behavior
  • monitor
  • age-appropriate
  • educational institutions
  • critical thinking
  • stricter regulations
  • content ratings
  • enforce
  • alternative leisure activities
  • impact
  • exposure
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