IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that time spent on electronic games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In today's technological scenario, Video and online
games
Use synonyms
 are popular amongst the younger generation. Many people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that it will bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important insights among them
while
Linking Words
 others believe that it
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 hazardous
physcholgical
Correct your spelling
physical
 effects on them. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views before giving my insights. Nowadays many
games
Use synonyms
 are designed considering the development of
cognitive
Add an article
the cognitive
show examples
 ability of the players.
This
Linking Words
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them in decision-making,
thinking
Correct word choice
and thinking
show examples
 and
teach
Correct subject-verb agreement
teaches
show examples
 them
advance
Change the form of the verb
advanced
show examples
 technologies. During playing, there is coordination between parts of the body which is essential for the development of the brain. Newer technologies
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, 3D virtual reality glasses assist players to feel like
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world. There are enormous
resons
Correct your spelling
reasons
 to believe that video
games
Use synonyms
 have some negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on the cornea of the eye because
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 spend
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of their time
seating
Verb problem
sitting
show examples
 before screens.
This
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also
Linking Words
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
Correct article usage
a wastage
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wastage
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 of their time and ultimately unable to focus on other important
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
. Outdoor activities
such
Linking Words
 as playing football or meeting friends
reduce
Wrong verb form
are reduced
show examples
 because of
addiction
Correct article usage
the addiction
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
games
Use synonyms
. There are certain
games
Use synonyms
 which have proved to as deadly and
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 banned all over the world. In my view,
games
Use synonyms
 can be played considering the other important factors. Parents can schedule their
game playing
Add a hyphen
game-playing
show examples
 time and help them focus on other curricular activities as well. Game is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 privilege and should not disturb and hamper the daily routine of the children. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
Use synonyms
 have positive
as well as
Linking Words
 negative sides, but following the strict rules for
use
Correct article usage
the use
show examples
 of technology is important or it will disturb
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young minds psychologically.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position after discussing both views.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to guide your reader through your points.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points about the effects of video games.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is good for discussion essays.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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