IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The modern
Correct article usage
Modern
show examples
 communities help
individuals
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
learn many things. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that modern society allows
people
Use synonyms
 to be more dependent on each other ,
whereas
Linking Words
 others claim that
people
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more independent from each other.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is crucial to understand
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 and discuss both opinions. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 who
deems
Change the verb form
deem
show examples
 that modern
societies
Use synonyms
 allow
people
Use synonyms
 to be more independent from each other for many reasons. First of all,
individuals
Use synonyms
live
Correct pronoun usage
who live
show examples
 in modern
societies
Use synonyms
 might be migrated from rural areas, so they
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 more independent in many aspects
such
Linking Words
 as work, care about themselves, and do
home work
Correct your spelling
homework
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, in modern
communities
Add a comma
communities,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are more educated which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them more independent because they are more knowledgeable and have more experiences that allow them to make decisions and be responsible.
For instance
Linking Words
, In
China
Add a comma
China,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are educated and are more responsible about their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and needs compared to Africa.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Some
people
Use synonyms
argues
Change the verb form
argue
show examples
 that
individuals
Use synonyms
 in modern
societies
Use synonyms
 are more dependent
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 each other since they are wealthy compared to rural areas
as a result
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 will do their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 like
Add an article
a house
show examples
house maid
Correct your spelling
housemaid
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Some
individuals
Use synonyms
 in modern
societies
Use synonyms
 depend on modern technologies which
develop
Wrong verb form
are developed
show examples
 by other
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, online shopping and food delivery
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
make
people
Use synonyms
 more dependent on
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 and become irresponsible for their needs.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
 my own
prospective
Correct your spelling
perspective
show examples
, I totally believe that
individuals
Use synonyms
 in modern
societies
Use synonyms
 are more responsible and independent because they are more educated and mainly from
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
 social class. In conclusion,
Independency
Correct your spelling
Independence
show examples
 is an important feature that needs to be in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I encourage all
people
Use synonyms
 to be more responsible and care about their needs and work.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your main points. Include a brief overview of both views.
coherence and cohesion
Use paragraphs to separate different ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea.
task achievement
provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For example, explain how education makes someone independent.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is a good approach.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided reasons for both views, showing you understand the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalized economy
  • collaborative work environments
  • crowd-sourced
  • empowered
  • perception
  • availability
  • autonomy
  • reliance
  • shifted
What to do next:
Look at other essays: