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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

Many
families
Use synonyms
care
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 a lot about their
children
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. Some
parents
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 put pressure on their
children
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 to be successful in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is essential to know the reasons and discuss
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 and negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
. On the one hand,
families
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 are more
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about their
children
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to be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
successful person for many reasons.
First,
Linking Words
parents
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 encourage their
children
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 to be successful in their
Use synonyms
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 because they want them to get better
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 and
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 in their work in the future.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they try to be with them especially
while
Linking Words
 studying at school to get high grades.
For instance
Linking Words
,
parents
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 who are looking forward
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
children
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 at school and take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their grades
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
get
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
 opportunity to join university.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
families
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 force their
children
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 to succeed to get more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 and be knowledgeable because when they
study
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 hard they will know new information and gain skills that help them in life. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, there are many negative
effect
Change to a plural noun
effects
show examples
 of
forced
Wrong verb form
forcing
show examples
children
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 to be successful .
To begin
Linking Words
, putting a lot of pressure on
children
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 might affect their mental
health
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. To clarify,
parents
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 who
care
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 a lot about marks and
success
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 might put their
children
Use synonyms
 in stress and depression which leads to failure
instead
Linking Words
 of
success
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
families
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 should not only
Add a missing verb
be concern
show examples
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about
success
Use synonyms
 and ignore
mental
Add an article
the mental
show examples
health
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 of
children
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.
However
Linking Words
, some
children
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 require pressure to
study
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 and work hard so it could be
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 way to encourage
children
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 to
study
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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,
children
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 might be fear to
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 mistakes and fail ,since their
parents
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 punish them when they
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 mistakes and want them to be in
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
 position. In my opinion, I believe that taking
care
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 of
children
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 is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 responsibility of
parents
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, so they should be kind and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not force them to be successful and create mental
health
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. In conclusion,
families
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 push their
children
Use synonyms
 to work hard to be
Use synonyms
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 in future at
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 time they should
care
Use synonyms
 about their
health
Use synonyms
. I encourage
parents
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 to influence their
children
Use synonyms
 to be successful and learn from their mistakes.

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coherence and cohesion
Clarify your main points better. Make sure every paragraph has a clear focus.
task achievement
Add more examples or stories to support your points. This will help make your ideas clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check grammar and spelling for accuracy. This can improve the overall quality of your essay.
task achievement
You have shown understanding of the topic and covered both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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