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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that physical education classes are an important part of a child's education. Others believe that it is more important to focus on academics during school time. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.

In recent years, Early childhood development
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a debatable topic across the globe. There are split opinions regarding
incorporation
Add an article
the incorporation
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 of physical
classes
Use synonyms
 as part of regular student's curriculum. Some individuals believe that it plays
vital
Add an article
a vital
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 role in
children
Use synonyms
's holistic development ,
whereas
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 other
group
Change the wording
groups
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 of thinkers support that extra
classes
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 put more burden on high school students.
Both
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 own pros and cons.
Therefore
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, before commenting
my
Change preposition
on my
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 view,
both
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
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views must be discussed. Examining the former view that
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
inclusion
Correct article usage
the inclusion
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 of Physical training in
syllabus
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the syllabus
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, the prime reason is to make
children
Use synonyms
 agile and mobile.
This
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 is because
children
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 don't have enough
time
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 to exercise after school hours.
Furthermore
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,
both
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 parents are working and
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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 have enough
time
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 to take care
their
Change preposition
of their
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children
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.
This
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 means that
children
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 often end up their
time
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in
Change preposition
apply
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binge watching
Add a hyphen
binge-watching
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 and glued to their smartphone. To add to it, having physical
classes
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 at school equipped them quite active and boost their alertness in any other subjects as well. The reason being, lots of exercise and breathing techniques from the formal education could help to concentrate better and may prevent them from lifestyle decease.
For example
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,
recent
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a recent
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 study
from
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by
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neuroscientist
Fix the agreement mistake
neuroscientists
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 shows that 28%
adults
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of adults
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 are suffering from obesity,
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
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 pressure and sugar
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 just because of
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
On the contrary
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, the latter view suggests that
children
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 are not only competing with their class but
also
Linking Words
 global level and it may create
compulsion
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a compulsion
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 to perform better in their fundamental subjects and secure good grades. To add to
this
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 ,
burden
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the burden
a burden
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 on
children
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 already immense and never have
time
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 to themselves to explore their interests.
To conclude
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, after examining
the
Remove the article
apply
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both
Use synonyms
 views, I firmly support the extra physical
classes
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 offer
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
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 health benefits, agile mindset and
concentrations
Fix the agreement mistake
concentration
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,
while
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extra
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the extra
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 burden of
this
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 inclusion can be justifiable against what it offers.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly express your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words between your ideas to improve flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
You have addressed both views well and provided some relevant points for discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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