IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufacturerd food and drink products contain high level of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugar product should be made more expensive people to consume less sugar, Do you agree or disagree

This
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 essay argues that the high levels of
sugar
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 in today’s food and
drinks
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 are causing many serious
health
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 problems. As a potential solution, some experts suggest imposing high taxes on
sugar
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 to decrease its purchase and consumption. I believe
this
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 is a great solution because many people do not fully understand how
sugar
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 affects their
overall
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health
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 and well-being. On one hand, many people today prefer to eat or drink
products
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 that contain high levels of
sugar
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 rather than those with lower
sugar
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 content.
Additionally
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, many well-known food
companies
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 tend to include substantial amounts of
sugar
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 in their
products
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 without considering the long-term impact on
health
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.
For instance
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, Coca-Cola uses a significant amount of
sugar
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 in its
drinks
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, contributing to the rising rates of diabetes and obesity among consumers of all ages, particularly children and adolescents.
On the other hand
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, there are suggestions to impose high taxes on
sugar
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,
as well as
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 on
companies
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 that produce high-
sugar
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 foods and
drinks
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.
Health
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 institutions should
also
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 address
this
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 important issue by sharing informative posts or advertisements about the dangers of excessive
sugar
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 consumption.
Furthermore
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, the government should establish clear regulations for all
companies
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 to reduce the amount of
sugar
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 in their
products
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.
For example
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, the Lipton company has successfully reduced the
sugar
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 content in all its
drinks
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 to help maintain public
health
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 and promote healthier choices. In conclusion, in my opinion,
sugar
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 negatively affects many aspects of
health
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. We must challenge
companies
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 that set high
sugar
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 levels in their
products
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, as it is essential to maintain our
health
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 and well-being in our society.

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific statistics or studies to support your claims about sugar consumption and health problems.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly connects to the main idea of your essay and supports your argument.
task achievement
Try to give more specific examples of regulations that could help reduce sugar consumption.
content
Your introduction clearly presents your argument and the topic.
content
You have strong examples from well-known brands, which makes your points more persuasive.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured products
  • high sugar content
  • health issues
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • discouraged
  • purchasing behavior
  • incidence rates
  • economic impact
  • consumer behavior
  • reformulate
  • healthier options
  • sugar tax
  • nudge consumers
  • behavioral economics
  • incentives
  • disincentives
  • alternative solutions
  • public education campaigns
  • food labeling
  • subsidies
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