Some people think that it is beneficial for children to play games online, while others think that it can be harmful for children. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, some
perants
Correct your spelling
parents
think that
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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online
games
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
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,
others
Correct word choice
while others
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thought
Wrong verb form
think
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that
are
Change the verb form
is
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harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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children. I totally disagree
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this
Change preposition
with this
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point of view. In
this
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essay, the
tow
Correct your spelling
two
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point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
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of view will be argued. 
Firstly
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, I believe that playing
games
Use synonyms
is a double-edged sword.
However
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, the disadvantages of it are more than the advantages. If the child is playing on a PC, they will lose time and damage
eyes
Correct pronoun usage
their eyes
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.
For instance
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, in 2024, their analysis was done on students at Kuwait University about the number of children who waste time
by
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on
show examples
computer
games
Use synonyms
, they
figure
Wrong verb form
figured
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out there are increase
of
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in
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numbers during the
last
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decade.
Secondly
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, the benefit of playing PlayStation,
while
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they play, they will improve their social relationship. The online relationship is essential for physical, financial,
education
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educational
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and psychological.
Fistly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
,
in
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apply
show examples
physical
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physically
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, if the player
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
games
Use synonyms
, they will have a
thinkfull
Correct your spelling
thankful
.
Secondly
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, in
financial
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finance
show examples
, they can apply to
increased
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increase
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the money.
Thirdly
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, in education, they can level up
the
Change the word
their
show examples
knowledge.
Finally
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, in
psychological
Replace the word
psychology
show examples
, they could have good mode. In conclusion,
while
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the players lose time, they accept new things. We need more information about
this
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essay to improve our society.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction. For example, say "I believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages" outright.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraphs for each main idea. Start paragraphs with a topic sentence, then explain and give examples.
task achievement
Provide clear examples and evidence for your points. Instead of stating a study, you could summarize it more clearly, such as saying "A study in 2024 found that many students spend too much time on games, affecting their studies."
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammar and spelling. Words like 'parents' and 'benefit' need to be spelled correctly. Also, practice using complete sentences.
task achievement
You covered both sides of the argument, which shows you understand the topic.
task achievement
You attempted to provide examples to support your ideas, which is a good practice in writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • critical thinking
  • hand-eye coordination
  • reflexes
  • teamwork
  • communication skills
  • multiplayer
  • cooperative games
  • addiction
  • prolonged screen time
  • inappropriate content
  • online predators
  • aggressive behavior
  • violent games
  • physical activities
  • face-to-face interactions
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