IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people Think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scentifically proven tobe bad for people's health

Products
Use synonyms
 that have been scientifically proven to be harmful to human health should be restricted in stores.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 idea is about protecting public well-being, it has bad economic consequences. Banning unhealthy foods can help to reduce health problems in
society
Use synonyms
. The reason is
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
many
Correct word choice
that many
show examples
 people, especially children, consume sugary snacks and drinks that have long-term effects
such
Linking Words
 as chronic diseases. The restriction
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
availability
Add an article
the availability
show examples
 of harmful foods
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 may lead to healthier eating habits.
In addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach may assist in order to reduce the price of healthcare services, as fewer people would suffer from diseases
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes and obesity.
Overtime
Correct your spelling
Over time
show examples
, the pressure for healthcare services would be decreased.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
ban
Add an article
the ban
a ban
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
 may encourage
businesses
Use synonyms
 to produce healthier alternatives,
as a result
Linking Words
, leading to
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, banning unhealthy foods can have some bad consequences for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
businesses
Use synonyms
 and workers as well.
This
Linking Words
 is because, many
businesses
Use synonyms
 including supermarkets, shops , restaurants, and fast-food chains, heavily rely on
sale
Add an article
the sale
show examples
 of profitable but unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as sugary drinks and snacks. If
such
Linking Words
 kinds of
products
Use synonyms
, would
removed
Change the verb form
be removed
show examples
 from shelves
in
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 could lead to
significant
Add an article
a significant
the significant
show examples
 drop in profit,
as a result
Linking Words
, even to the closing of some
businesses
Use synonyms
. In consequence,
this
Linking Words
 trend may lead to huge job losses, badly affecting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 restriction of harmful
products
Use synonyms
, can help
society
Use synonyms
 to reduce health issues, to promote
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle, it could
also
Linking Words
 result in serious economic issues.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to provide clear examples to support your points. For example, you could mention specific health problems caused by unhealthy foods.
coherence
Use clearer linking words to connect your ideas. Words like 'firstly', 'however', and 'in addition' can help make your argument flow better.
coherence
Try to organize your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and supporting details.
positive
Your introduction identifies the topic well and states both sides of the argument.
positive
Your conclusion summarizes the main points nicely and presents a clear opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: