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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Now a day’s online shopping is rapidly replacing physical shopping in stores. What are the positives and negatives developments in your opinion? Give some examples.

It is often believed that with the excessive usage of computers in the student's life, the educational institution may ignore the basic skills of logical mathematics and handwriting which was compulsory for children in the previous days. I completely disagree with the statement and
would
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will
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 elaborate on the views in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, schools cannot skip the basic skills of the students for various reasons.
Firstly
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, it may weaken their mental ability.
In other words
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, the math subject helps the students to improve their memory by doing the calculations and performing the various puzzles.
Moreover
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, it increases the concentration power of
pupil
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the pupil
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 which plays a crucial
rule
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role
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 in the
overall
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 development of the child. Though computers can do all the
calculation
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calculations
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,
yet
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the process may make the child dumb.
Secondly
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, technology would not stay forever with
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humans
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 but only
mental
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with mental
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 ability. There are some situations where machines
get failed
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fail
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 and a person
do
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does
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 not know
calculation
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calculations
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, at that spot of time the person
considered
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is considered
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 to be illiterate
one
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.
Consequently
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, the mathematics is necessary at the schools.
Furthermore
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, handwriting
also
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 plays a great role in pupil life. The handwriting
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showcases
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 the personality and intelligence of the students. Not only
this
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, it can even help those who are suffering from disabilities like ADD and Dyslexia.
Additionally
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, people are dependent on soft documents and portable document files.
Due to
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it
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this
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, no one bothers about writing on
the
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paper. With
this
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, they start forgetting about grammar and spelling part of writing. The auto-suggestion facility of writing software
making
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makes
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the
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people academically weak, because they do not bother about learning grammar and spelling which
person
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people
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 can learn easily
while
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 writing with a pen or pencil.
Therefore
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, basic knowledge of maths and writing is necessary during school period.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the computer has numerous benefits
yet
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apply
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it cannot beat the human brain. It is the only mental ability that helps them to operate the computers
of
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for
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 writing and calculations.
Hence
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 these skills cannot be ignored in life.

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task achievement
The introduction presents your opinion well but could be clearer. Make sure to state your main points in the introduction to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphs need clearer linking words to help with flow. Use words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to improve structure.
task achievement
More specific examples would strengthen your argument. Think of a real-life situation where not knowing math led to trouble.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion sums up your thoughts but could be more convincing. Reinforce your key points to leave a stronger impact.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, showing your stance effectively.
task achievement
Good use of reasons to support your opinion, such as the benefits of math and handwriting.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • wider selection
  • price comparison
  • physical interaction
  • satisfaction
  • dissatisfaction
  • shipping and delivery
  • local businesses
  • foot traffic
  • closures
  • job losses
  • product quality
  • remote areas
  • cost savings
  • informed purchasing decisions
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