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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.
The chart displays three kinds of questions which the Tourist Information Office handled in an urban area from January to June
in
Change preposition
apply
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2011. The increasing methods people used very
common
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commonly
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Linking Words
this
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during this
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 period were
telephone
Use synonyms
 and
in
Add a hyphen
in-person
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person
Use synonyms
. The
telephone
Use synonyms
 was green,
fluctuated
Correct word choice
and fluctuated
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 slightly between January and March. Within the same period of
telephone
Use synonyms
, the
in
Add a hyphen
in-person
show examples
person
Use synonyms
 rises across the range of approximately 400 to 800 enquiries, drawing red
color
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colour
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.
However
Linking Words
, there was a slight reducing enquiries by letter or email
in
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at
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this
Linking Words
 stage.
On
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In
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the
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apply
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March 2011, the
telephone
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 was higher than
in
Add a hyphen
in-person
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person
Use synonyms
 method, which was about 200
enquires
Replace the word
enquiries
show examples
, but
on
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in
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the
Change the article
apply
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June 2011, the
telephone
Use synonyms
 was lower than
in
Add a hyphen
in-person
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person
Use synonyms
 around 300 questions. The red index
was climbing
Wrong verb form
climbed
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 dramatically questions,
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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from around 800 to over 1900
requires
Verb problem
apply
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over 3 months.
Besides
Linking Words
. The green index remained stable from
Marth
Correct your spelling
March
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 to April, and suddenly
increasing
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 from about 1000 to 1600
enquires
Replace the word
enquiries
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the red index was falling steadily between March to May
,
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apply
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 and stayed around under 400 enquiries in the final month.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words telephone, person with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enquiries
  • Tourist Information Office
  • in person
  • by letter/email
  • by telephone
  • general trend
  • six-month period
  • significant increase
  • steady rise
  • decline
  • peak
  • fluctuations
  • monthly data
  • comparison
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