IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

'Obesity in children is an increasing problem. What are the causes for this? What could be some solutions? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.’

The growing number of youths who
suffer
Wrong verb form
have suffered
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 from obesity in recent years is concerning.
This
Linking Words
 is often
due to
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 the sedentary lifestyle and the high
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
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 of fast
food
Use synonyms
.
However
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, there are several steps that can be taken to solve
this
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 issue,
such
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 as allocating
time
Use synonyms
 for physical exercise and taxing
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
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food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay will outline the reasons
behand
Correct your spelling
behind
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this
Linking Words
 problem and offer effective measures. One pressing problem related to
this
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health
Use synonyms
 issue is the lifestyle of young people in our modern life that depends on sitting for long hours without
body's
Change noun form
body
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 movement, which leads to eating disorders,
such
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 as being overweight.
Moreover
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, with the increasing number of electronic devices,
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in front of the screen playing video games and watching television. One solution to tackle
this
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 is to set a
time
Use synonyms
 limit for using these devices by
children
Use synonyms
's parents. That could encourage
children
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 to spend their
time
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 out and do some
outdoors
Replace the word
outdoor
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 activities with their friends. Another significant cause of obesity among
children
Use synonyms
 is the high consumption of
food
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 that contains a large amount of harmful fats.
Furthermore
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, most
children
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 enjoy eating
this
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 kind of
food
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 without knowing the serious impact it causes.
For example
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, a study conducted by The University of Harvard found that fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
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,
such
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 as
Macdonald's
Correct your spelling
McDonald's
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 series
restaurants
Use synonyms
 are the major cause of
health
Use synonyms
 issues among
children
Use synonyms
 by 70% in the previous years. One effective solution would be to impose taxes on these
restaurants
Use synonyms
 and set strict instructions by the government on using safe levels of fats in their
food
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.
This
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 would help to reduce
children
Use synonyms
's addiction to consuming
high calories
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
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food
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
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children
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's lifestyle affected negatively their
health
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, parents and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 could significantly reduce
this
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 problem and maintain
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better
health
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 for the new generations.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure the introduction clearly states your main points. It helps readers understand what to expect in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words to connect your ideas. This will make your writing flow better.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and show your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You addressed the topic well, outlining causes and solutions for childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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