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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar charts below show the prevelance of obesity among boys and girls aged 12-19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014

The bar charts below show the prevelance of obesity among boys and girls aged 12-19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014
The bar charts
illustares
Correct your spelling
illustrate
 the proportion of
obesity
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 and
boys
Use synonyms
 among teenagers from group of people in
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
, from the
year
Use synonyms
 2004 to 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, the graph indicates
the
Correct article usage
that
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 was high among
boys
Use synonyms
 in 2014
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
 Hispanic ethnicity, and
for
Change preposition
among
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 in
Non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 black
.
Check wording
ethnicity.
show examples
Other
Correct article usage
The other
show examples
 side cannot see much difference
from
Change preposition
between
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in
boys
Use synonyms
overall
Linking Words
obesity
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
 was
incresed
Correct your spelling
increased
 in
compare
Replace the word
comparison
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2004
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 white
boys
Use synonyms
 have 5% and
Non-Hispanic
Use synonyms
 black
have
Wrong verb form
boys had
show examples
 9%
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2004. Hispanic group
boys
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 are increased with
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 proportion with 27%
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in
girls
Use synonyms
obesity
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increased
also
Linking Words
 than
2004
Change preposition
in 2004
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
 was
gain
Replace the word
gained
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
Non- hispanic
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanic
 black
girls
Use synonyms
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 13% from
Use synonyms
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2004 to 2014. Other
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 have similar
increased
Replace the word
increases
show examples
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 5% in ten years.
While
Linking Words
 the
larget
Use the right word
largest
show examples
 difference can
seen
Verb problem
be seen
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
Non-hispanic
Correct article usage
the Non-hispanic
show examples
 black
gropup
Correct your spelling
group
 in
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
, where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 have
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 rate of
obesity
Use synonyms
level
Use synonyms
 increment from 2004.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, girls, boys, year, non-hispanic, level with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • ethnicity
  • obesity rates
  • gender comparison
  • ethnic disparities
  • socio-economic factors
  • cultural factors
  • environmental factors
  • long-term health consequences
  • healthcare systems
  • government policies
  • community programs
  • adolescents
  • trend analysis
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