Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

There are several
children
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who immerse themselves in their smartphones for hours
in
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apply
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their
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apply
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. I claim
this
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trend is a wholly negative development in their school
exams
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and
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, and
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also
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having a sedentary lifestyle.
To begin
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with,
children
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may not pass their school
exams
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if they
utilize
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utilise
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their phones too much. The significant issue is that when some
children
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dedicate more time
watching
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to watching
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their phone screens, they store excessive information in their memory.
Moreover
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,they are surrounded by
majority
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a majority
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of information , most of which is not crucial.
As a result
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, they consider
about
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apply
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all that unnecessary
datas
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data
and it leads to
have
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apply
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a lack of concentration when they study for their
exams
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. A good illustration is that imagine
children
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will have
Correct article usage
a mathematic
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mathematic
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mathematics
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exam and they should pass
this
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exam. The more hours they use their smartphones in order to watch unrelated subjects, the less they can focus on math problems to tackle them.
On the other hand
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, another factor is that if
children
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use their phones too much, they will have a sedentary lifestyle.
This
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kind of lifestyle
have
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has
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some detrimental effects on
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children
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children's
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lives. Not only
do
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does
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the
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children make
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make children
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obesity
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obese
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, but
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also it
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it also
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makes
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prevents
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them not to
work
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working
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out in their
routins
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routines
. In the earlier generation,
children
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used to do a wide variety of physical activities which
made
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kept
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them
being
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apply
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in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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peak condition.
For instance
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, if
children
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spend their pastimes in order to do some physical activities rather than using their phones, they
wont
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won't
be fat in the years to come.
Meanwhile
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Meanwhile,
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their brain’s function will
enhance
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be enhanced
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by taking up a sport in their free
times
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time
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. In conclusion, it is my firm conviction that spending more time on smartphone usage for
children
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is a negative development.
This
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is mainly because not only does it
make
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prevent
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them not to
achieve
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achieving
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satisfactory scores in their
exams
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, but
also
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it has several harmful impacts on their lifestyles.

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Task Achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines the main points you'll discuss.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more linking words (like 'firstly', 'secondly', 'in addition') to help connect your ideas better.
Task Achievement
Try to include more specific examples that directly relate to your points to make your argument stronger.
Task Achievement
You clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
You have mentioned important issues like school exams and lifestyle changes.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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