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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Bar Graph The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Bar Graph The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given bar chart displays the proportion of children at school learning four different
music
Replace the word
musical
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 instruments (
piano
Use synonyms
,
guitar
Use synonyms
,
drums
Use synonyms
, and
violin
Use synonyms
)
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 from 2005 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
guitar
Correct article usage
the guitar
show examples
 had the highest learners among all,
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
violin
Correct article usage
the violin
show examples
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the lowest.
Moreover
Linking Words
, all instruments indicated an upward trend, except for
Use synonyms
violin
Correct article usage
the violin
show examples
. First of all,
Use synonyms
piano
Correct article usage
the piano
show examples
 and
guitar
Use synonyms
 were two instruments with a very significant surge by the end of the
period
Use synonyms
. In 2005, over 10% students learned
piano
Use synonyms
 and
guitar
Use synonyms
. The figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
piano
Use synonyms
 and
guitar
Use synonyms
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
then
Linking Words
 experienced a growth
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 around 20% and 18%, respectively. By the end of
Use synonyms
period
Correct article usage
the period
show examples
, the number significantly increased and
guitar
Use synonyms
 surpassed
piano
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 2%
higher
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, which was about 40%. Unlike
Use synonyms
piano
Correct article usage
the piano
show examples
 and
guitar
Use synonyms
, both
Use synonyms
drums
Correct article usage
the drums
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
violin
Correct article usage
the violin
show examples
 only recorded a small proportion throughout the
period
Use synonyms
. In 2005, there were about 8% children learnt
Use synonyms
violin
Correct article usage
the violin
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
drums
Use synonyms
were
Verb problem
did
show examples
 not even
reached
Wrong verb form
reach
show examples
 5%.
At the end
Linking Words
 of
Use synonyms
period
Correct article usage
the period
show examples
, there was a mere increase of drummers to approximately 7%,
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
violin
Correct article usage
the violin
show examples
 kept decreasing to around 5%, superseded
Use synonyms
drums
Change preposition
by drums
show examples
 as the lowest number of learners.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words piano, guitar, drums, violin, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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