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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows employment patterns for males and females in New Zealand in 1993 and 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant. (THU HA)

The table below shows employment patterns for males and females in New Zealand in 1993 and 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant. (THU HA)
The given table illustrates the proportion of
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 males and females
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 per professional field from 1993 to 2003. Looking at the table from a general view, both of
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 for
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
 and
females worker
Fix the agreement mistake
female workers
show examples
 in two jobs, namely business and social
services
Use synonyms
 was increased in a decade
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
in
agriculture
Punctuation problem
agriculture,
show examples
 was
dropper
Use the right word
dropped
show examples
. In the
last
Linking Words
 year,
services
Use synonyms
 and transport
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
experienced the
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
 percentage of two sexual employees. Starting with
services
Use synonyms
 and transport, in 1993,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of female and male
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 accounted for 53% and 22% of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
. After a decade, the rate of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 who worked in
this
Linking Words
 field fell by 17%
while
Linking Words
 the remaining sex
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
saw a rise to 31%. Next to agriculture,
this
Linking Words
 area was chosen by 8% of
female
Correct article usage
the female
show examples
 workforce, and
this
Linking Words
 ratio just slowly decreased to 6% but the number of men working in farming dramatically dropped from 38% to 8% in 2003. Both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
genders liked working in public
services
Use synonyms
 and business more
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 the
part
Check wording
period
show examples
 when there was an upward trend in the
figure
Check wording
number
show examples
 of employees.
In addition
Linking Words
, the rate of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 working in manufacturing halved between 1993 and
2003
Punctuation problem
2003,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 there was a slight thrive in
man’
Check wording
men’s
show examples
statistic
Fix the agreement mistake
statistics
show examples
.
Finally
Linking Words
, there wasn’t
female
Correct article usage
a female
show examples
 worker working in
building
Correct article usage
the building
show examples
 career
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it
was become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 of 6% total
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
the
Punctuation problem
; the
show examples
 proportion of male
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fell.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words services with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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