IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Children Having a Large Number of Toys

The Public argues that
people
Use synonyms
 need to take responsibility for fast
food
Use synonyms
 becoming part of our lives,
while
Linking Words
 others say that it is the
government
Use synonyms
's responsibility.
This
Linking Words
 essay will describe
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both the individual and the
government
Use synonyms
's roles
to take
Change preposition
in taking
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control
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 need to improve their efficiency to get more time
for
Change preposition
to
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 finish their activities.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 need to spend their time rapidly
for
Change preposition
to
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 fulfil their basic needs. One hand, producing meals for an
individual
Check wording
individual's
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 needs
to spend
Verb problem
requires
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 more time from preparing to consuming.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 developed quick
food
Use synonyms
 services
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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fastly afford
Replace the word
fast and affordable
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by
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
everybody
Punctuation problem
everybody,
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 called fast
food
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.
However
Linking Words
, fast
food
Use synonyms
 has some problems in
health
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issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, consuming fast
food
Use synonyms
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term could
be
Verb problem
apply
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increase weight, risk
ofhypertension
Correct your spelling
of hypertension
, and other metabolic syndromes.
As a result
Linking Words
,
health
Use synonyms
 experts and
people
Use synonyms
 who
concerned
Verb problem
are concerned
show examples
 about its issue are proposing that individuals
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
limit their consumption
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 fast
food
Use synonyms
. They argue that
everybody
Use synonyms
 has
control
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their body, and has
responsibility
Correct article usage
the responsibility
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 to keep their body healthy.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
 who are concerned
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 encouraged
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everybody
Use synonyms
 to limit their fast
food
Use synonyms
 consumption with some method and measurement. The
health
Use synonyms
 activist has proposed
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
take a role. The
government
Use synonyms
 needs to regulate
this
Linking Words
 issue by
Use synonyms
control
Replace the word
controlling
show examples
 the
food
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standar
Correct your spelling
standard
 and
raise
Wrong verb form
raising
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 awareness about
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
control
Use synonyms
 the
food
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
 standards and promote healthy
food
Use synonyms
 in the mass media.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 have to provide
health
Use synonyms
monitor
Check wording
monitoring
show examples
 for
everybody
Use synonyms
 regularly. To
summarize
Use the right word
summarise
show examples
,
Public
Correct article usage
the Public
show examples
 has
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to keep healthy by their efforts, and the
government
Use synonyms
 needs to support with their policy
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
make
Verb problem
to make
show examples
 sure
everybody
Use synonyms
 gets the same access to it.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly present your main idea in the introduction. You could also summarize your points better in the conclusion.
task achievement
Try to add more specific examples to support your points. This will help make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Check for small grammar mistakes, such as verb forms and plural nouns. This can improve clarity.
task achievement
You have mentioned the roles of both individuals and the government well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body, and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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