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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on thier smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

With the development of technology, everyone is having new
devises
Use the right word
devices
show examples
 and modern people can not imagine their lives without them.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, more and more parents are concerned about their children being involved
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their smartphones
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all day. It has numerous reasons to occur,
such
Linking Words
 as
attractiveness
Correct article usage
the attractiveness
show examples
 of the content
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 smartphones and widespread digital addiction, and I
percieve
Correct your spelling
perceive
this
Linking Words
 as a negative situation. Youth
prioritize
Use the right word
prioritise
show examples
 engaging in
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 for any other
activiy
Correct your spelling
activity
 and are getting hooked
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Devices provide a miracle of opportunities for their users, as anyone can access anything in a matter of seconds. Even if it seems
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
 a great thing,
kids
Use synonyms
 misuse it for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
constant entertainment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
shades
Verb problem
hinders
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 interest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 outside the smartphone. They
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 a lot of excitement from YouTube videos or mobile games, and playing football with their friends feels
to them boring
Correct word order
boring to them
show examples
, not
mentioning
Wrong verb form
to mention
show examples
 doing homework.
As a result
Linking Words
, children can and do
lay
Wrong verb form
lie
show examples
 on
bed
Correct article usage
the bed
show examples
 for most of the day and stare at the screen.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 often leads to an addiction. Young people are more vulnerable compared to adults, and excessive
screen-time
Use the right word
screen time
show examples
 can drastically affect their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
. After some time, they get used to
Correct article usage
the stimuly
show examples
stimuly
Correct your spelling
stimuli
 they were getting, and
this
Linking Words
 makes them begin to crave more
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
digital content.
This
Linking Words
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
 only strengthens, and exiting it becomes a real struggle.
Addict
Replace the word
Addicted
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 and the phone over using itself are hazardous things. An addiction was never a good thing, but it on
kids
Use synonyms
 is even more dangerous. Because of it, youth can have social problems, no goals and
feeling
Correct article usage
a feeling
show examples
 of
emptyness
Correct your spelling
emptiness
, all of them for the reason of doing nothing except watching
phone
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
show examples
. On top of it,
while
Linking Words
 on
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
, weak eyes of
yong
Correct your spelling
young
 people are exposed
too
Change preposition
to too
show examples
 much
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
blue light, which is
radiated
Verb problem
emitted
show examples
 from phones, and they have no physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 has big
consequenses
Correct your spelling
consequences
 on their health.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
engaging
Correct article usage
the engaging
show examples
 nature of smartphone content and following
addinction
Correct your spelling
addiction
 to it
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge problems for
childrens
Check wording
children's
show examples
 lives and their health. It is better to restrict
kids
Use synonyms
'
screen-time
Use the right word
screen time
show examples
 to
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 hours a day and show them other aspects of
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to have clear topic sentences for each paragraph. This helps readers follow your ideas better.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your points, like particular games or videos children might be addicted to.
coherence and cohesion
Check your spelling, especially common words. This can help improve your overall clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure to make your writing more interesting.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about smartphone use being negative, which is good for task response.
task achievement
You’ve identified key issues, such as addiction and health consequences, which are important points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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