IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discussion both views and give your opinion.

With the rapid growth of science and
technology
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, there is a widely debated topic that whether
Use synonyms
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
advanment
Correct your spelling
advancement
 could decline
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate,
whereas
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 others argue that it is
one
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 of the main causes
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
. In
this
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 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 evaluate the benefits and problems of
this
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 trend before proposing which is more prominent. On the
one
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 hand, I understand why many people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 that the development of
technology
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 could reduce the
crime
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 rate.
Firstly
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, we are living
in
Change preposition
on
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 the
edge
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verge
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 of rising, specifically
Vietnam
Change preposition
in Vietnam
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,
one
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 of the most developing countries around the world. The offenders are more and more active at night
Punctuation problem
, that
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that
Correct word choice
so
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 we do not
truely
Correct your spelling
truly
 know who
is
Verb problem
apply
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the good ones
.
Verb problem
are.
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 With the
aids
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aid
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 of technological devices
such
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 as
camera
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cameras
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 and
surveilance
Correct your spelling
surveillance
 apps, it might act as
one
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 of the most effective ways to protect and deter from offenders.
Furthermore
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, nowadays, each
individuals
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individual
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 is identified by
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 unique identification,
therefore
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 tracking and finding lawbreakers is
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
easier than in the past. And the power of journalism and social media might act as a deterrent to them when the government post the news of
life
Correct article usage
a life
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 sentence to offenders.
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One
Use the right word
On
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 the other hand, despite these aforementioned benefits, some problems do exist. There is a truth that the
crime
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 rate increased significantly since
technology
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 and artificial intelligence developed,
this
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 is because we are missing our own data from black hood hackers.
The cyber security
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Cybersecurity
show examples
 is no longer safe for everyone when using social networking, particularly for the elderly and for people who have underprivileged conditions
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they are
one
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 of the potential
aims
Check wording
targets
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 for hackers, and are easy to get trapped.
Additionally
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, the development of
technology
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also
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 makes the most use for the groups of
intenational
Correct your spelling
international
casino
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casinos
show examples
Verb problem
to
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do their things. They tend to
established
Wrong verb form
establish
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 their
instituation
Correct your spelling
institution
 in
campuchia
Correct your spelling
Cambodia
 and hire
vietnamese
Fix capitalization
Vietnamese
show examples
 people to work for them. In conclusion,
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Although
Fix capitalization
although
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 the development of
technology
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 could have both beneficial and drawbacks, from my
perspective
Punctuation problem
perspective,
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 I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages
,
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;
show examples
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therefore
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therefore,
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 the government should implement more policies to address
this
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 problem.

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task response
The introduction needs to clearly present your opinion and the points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments are fully developed.
task response
Use more specific examples to support your ideas, especially for claims about crime and technology.
task response
You have clearly presented both sides of the argument, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the main points well and expresses your opinion clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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