IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. Do you agree or disagree?

Some sections of society believe that
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks which are proven harmful to individuals by scientists should be banned from being sold in stores. I unequivocally agree with
this
Linking Words
 Statement to a large extent
due to
Linking Words
 some viable points which will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, forbidding to sale of bad
food
Use synonyms
 and refreshment is a completely disproportionate measure because it is not usual to ban something.
Besides
Linking Words
 forcing a stop to
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
, it is a good idea to mention on the label the harmful substances it contains. To be more precise, by mentioning
foodstuff
Fix the agreement mistake
foodstuffs
show examples
about the results of their consumption, people can stop purchasing items.
For example
Linking Words
, as various energy drinks contain caffeine and alcohol , which are properly mentioned on the label, so majority of people avoid these substances, and usually they check the ingredients of various
refreshment
Fix the agreement mistake
refreshments
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as Red Bull, Sting, and Boost.
Consequently
Linking Words
, even though some foods or drinks are scientifically proven to be bad, banning them is not the solution. Despite the aforementioned view, there are several factors which are bending towards the idea
that
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
what is
show examples
 declared unhealthy by science to consume should not be allowed to be sold. The prominent one is that banning
such
Linking Words
 items can sustain the health and protect the lives of many. To enunciate it, non-availability of bad
products
Use synonyms
 in the shops means
mulitudes
Check wording
that many people
show examples
 would not be able to buy them , which automatically saves many lives.
For example
Linking Words
, a couple of years ago, there was news that Maggi contained lead
due to
Linking Words
 which was totally banned in the country. After clearing scientific testing, it afterwards comes to stored for sale. Another reasonable factor is that forbidding unfit
products
Use synonyms
 can save huge funds to be spent on health by the majority of people. To justify it, when denizens consume only those
products
Use synonyms
 that are scientifically proven to be good , the chances of illness could decrease to a large extent.
This
Linking Words
 is because multitudes mainly fell ill
due to
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 Consumption , which contains harmful chemicals
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, scientific testing would eliminate these reasons.
Also
Linking Words
, the death rates will deteriorate to some extent.
As a result
Linking Words
, it may be beneficial for both the country and the denizens to stop selling scientifically unfit
products
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 banning
food
Use synonyms
 or snacks is not a good idea, it becomes necessary to stop selling those that fail to pass laboratory tests.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to clearly state your main point in the introduction and respond fully to the question. Try to expand on your ideas a bit more.
coherence cohesion
Use clear linking words and phrases between your ideas to make your argument flow better. For example, use 'however' or 'on the one hand' more.
task response
You provide some good examples of your points, which helps support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main ideas, which is a strength in your writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: