IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

A group of
people
Use synonyms
 claim that letting
children
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
make choices on everyday
matters
Use synonyms
 can lead to a society in which everyone only considers his/her priorities
due to
Linking Words
 having a selfish personality. Other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
Linking Words
due
Punctuation problem
, due
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 to becoming independent and successful in life,
people
Use synonyms
 should be able to make
decisions
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 about
matters
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 that affect them. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, both views will be discussed. One of the consequences of letting
children
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 make
decisions
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 on everyday
matters
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 is having a selfish personality. These
children
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 have gotten used to
take
Wrong verb form
taking
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 care only
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their own priorities and never
ask
Wrong verb form
asking for
show examples
 other
people
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's help.
For example
Linking Words
, when they choose what entertainment they can have, gradually they want more hobbies and ask for something that makes them happier and not only will
not
Correct pronoun usage
they not
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 allow others to take part in their decision-making process, but
also
Linking Words
 in their games as well.
Thus
Linking Words
, in their adulthood, they will only care about something that benefits them
not
Punctuation problem
, not
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 other individuals.
However
Linking Words
, some recommend that by allowing
children
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 to make
decisions
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 on
matters
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 that affect them, they can become more successful in their lives. At an early age, these
children
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 learn what
decision-making
Correct article usage
the decision-making
show examples
 process is and
also
Linking Words
 what positive and negative
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
 mean.
For example
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, when
children
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 choose their clothes, they can see how much other
people
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 are impressed.
Thus
Linking Words
, over time, they will wear something that increases their place in society.
This
Linking Words
 decision-making process allows individuals to always make the best suitable choice for themselves. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
allowing
children
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 to make choices on everyday
matters
Use synonyms
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
become
Verb problem
make them
show examples
 selfish, letting them make
decisions
Use synonyms
 that affect them will help them to have a better place in their community.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences support that idea. This will help your essay flow better.
task achievement
Improve your examples by adding more details or explaining them further, especially how they relate to your main points.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states both views, showing a balanced approach to the topic.
task achievement
The essay includes some relevant examples which support your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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