IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children are given too much free time.They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children shoul spend their time?

Several people think that
children
Use synonyms
 have more
lauisure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
Use synonyms
 in recent times.
According to
Linking Words
 them,
children
Use synonyms
 should invest their
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 education as much as possible. I think if
children
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on other
extra curriculum
Use the right word
extracurricular
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
, it would
be definitely
Correct word order
definitely be
show examples
 beneficial for them in terms of passion, fitness and all.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are numerous examples that
children
Use synonyms
are good and intelligent
Correct word order
apply
show examples
who spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on
extra curriculum
Use the right word
extracurricular
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
.
Correct word order
are good and intelligent.
show examples
 Because they have developed inter-personal skills so well
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 multitasking, leadership and
time
Use synonyms
-management
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 cannot be gained from the studies.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who are more engaged in sports are likely
more good
Correct word choice
better
show examples
 at
decision making
Use the right word
decision-making
show examples
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
,
takle
Correct your spelling
tackle
 critical
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 calmly with wise
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, other
activities
Use synonyms
grow
Verb problem
help
show examples
children
Use synonyms
’s
overall
Linking Words
 development.
Moreover
Linking Words
, sometimes
study
Replace the word
studying
show examples
 makes
children
Use synonyms
 more irritated. As they are attached
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 only one thing for
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
 day, they become more frustrated and exhausted.
However
Linking Words
, other
activities
Use synonyms
 can make them happy, refresh and build their passion
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 may even lead to
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
careerpath
Correct your spelling
career path
 and growth.
For instance
Linking Words
, a few
children
Use synonyms
incline
Wrong verb form
are inclined
show examples
 towards painting and their
involment
Correct your spelling
involvement
 in that activity can make them famous painters and live
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 life rather than just spending
time
Use synonyms
 on studies on which they are not
interested very
Correct word order
very interested
show examples
 much.
Hence
Linking Words
, other
activities
Use synonyms
’ involvement in
children
Use synonyms
;
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
s
Correct your spelling
's
 life is more important for
betterment
Correct article usage
the betterment
show examples
 of
chilren’s
Correct your spelling
children’s
 nourishment.
To conclude
Linking Words
, though education is important as it teaches the basics of life,
children
Use synonyms
 should spend some
time
Use synonyms
 on other
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as sports rather than just
stick
Wrong verb form
sticking
show examples
 with one thing, studies.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it well.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like 'first', 'for example', and 'in conclusion' to help your reader follow your ideas better.
task response
Add more examples that are clear and connect well to your main points to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion that children should engage in other activities.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • leisure time
  • extracurricular activities
  • holistic development
  • social interaction
  • emotional intelligence
  • creativity and innovation
  • physical well-being
  • academic performance
  • balance between work and play
  • mental agility
What to do next:
Look at other essays: