IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time
The graph illustrates two distinct categories of
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 between females and males
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 full-time or part-time within the same gender
from
Punctuation problem
, from
show examples
 1970 to 1990 in Britain.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 part-time
education
Use synonyms
 is more than full-time
education
Use synonyms
same
Punctuation problem
, same
show examples
 with
men
Use synonyms
 and women.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, full-time
education
Use synonyms
 rises,
whereas
Linking Words
 part-time
does
Check wording
education does
show examples
 not. One of the most notable
moment
Fix the agreement mistake
moments
show examples
 is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 significant difference between part-time and full-time
education
Use synonyms
. Part-time has a range from approximately 730 to 1150.
However
Linking Words
, full-time ranges from almost 100 to 300. It has a difference
almost
Change preposition
of almost
show examples
 630 to 850. Through
this
Linking Words
, both
men
Use synonyms
 and women tend to desire to study part-time
education
Use synonyms
. Interestingly, full-time
education
Use synonyms
 increased
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part-time
education
Use synonyms
 didn't have a clear direction. To be specific,
aspect
Correct article usage
the aspect
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
, in 1970/71,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
started
180
Change preposition
at 180
show examples
.
Finally
Linking Words
, it became almost 300 in 1990/91.
Female
Fix the agreement mistake
Females
show examples
also
Linking Words
 have
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 from 80 to 300.
Therefore
Linking Words
, women grew more than
men
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, part-time
education
Use synonyms
 did not have a clear direction.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Change preposition
in male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 shift
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
 to increase,
whereas
Linking Words
 in
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, it increases.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words education, men with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: