IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

These days, Children spend too much time in front of television and this has reduced their study time. This phenomenon has led to children becoming less educated. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Recently, it has become a concern that the amount of screen time spent by kids has surpassed their time for studies
resulting
Punctuation problem
, resulting
show examples
 in less education. I disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 these
notion
Fix the agreement mistake
notions
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
 is because of
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 discussed below.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in
this
Linking Words
 modern era,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to
study
Use synonyms
 online through
educative
Correct word choice
educational
show examples
channels
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as mathematics and science
youtube
Use the right word
YouTube
show examples
channels
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are streamed virtually and shown on screens like
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 of a television. Watching these
channels
Use synonyms
 equals
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 time because the video presentations on each topic
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 learning and assimilation easier.
For instance
Linking Words
, a research
study
Use synonyms
 showed that
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 more through screens
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 the top of the class,
thus
Linking Words
 showing that these individuals are more educated.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, watching comic series on TV just before studying
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 helps to relax the brain
thereby
Punctuation problem
, thereby
show examples
 creating an avenue for learning and retention of ideas. Physical learning by
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
 face to face with
people
Use synonyms
 has
it's
Use the right word
its
show examples
 own upside of discussing topics with each other for a better understanding.
However
Linking Words
, it has more
downside
Fix the agreement mistake
downsides
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 being easily distracted and misusing the portioned
study
Use synonyms
 times talking about frivolities,
hence
Linking Words
 leading to less learning.
To sum up
Linking Words
, virtual learning through academic
youtube
Use the right word
YouTube
show examples
channels
Use synonyms
 exhibited on
television
Correct article usage
a television
show examples
 monitor, improved mental
well being
Use the right word
well-being
show examples
 and brain activation associated with watching
television
Punctuation problem
television,
show examples
 all
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 learning better and
one
Verb problem
make one
show examples
 more educated.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your disagreement, but the thesis statement could more clearly outline your main points. Try to mention them directly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that it relates back to your thesis. Some sentences feel a bit disconnected from your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Try using more linking words or phrases to connect your ideas. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, summarize your points more effectively and reiterate your position. This makes your argument stronger.
task achievement
You provide examples of how watching educational content can be beneficial for learning.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic directly and shows a clear opinion, which is good for task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • phenomenon
  • study time
  • educational outcomes
  • intellectual development
  • academic performance
  • monitoring
  • guardians
  • diminished
  • programming
  • complement
  • screen time
  • collaborative
  • integration
  • detrimental
  • consumption
What to do next:
Look at other essays: