IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Is this development more positive or negative? (Minh bui)

In the contemporary era, many individuals think that spending
time
Use synonyms
 on
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
show examples
 phone to answer work and personal calls at any
time
Use synonyms
 or seven days a
week
Punctuation problem
week,
show examples
 is a negative trend. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea, and my perspective will be discussed in the following paragraphs. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy and balanced schedule is extremely important because people always need
time
Use synonyms
 to rest when they are at home. Nowadays, many residents' jobs are related to mobile phones, which makes it convenient and easy to contact clients.
However
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 causes many disadvantages to people’s physical and
metal
Use the right word
mental
show examples
 health.
For example
Linking Words
, when someone tries to enjoy their free
time
Use synonyms
 playing or talking with their family, a client's call may be an obstacle. It distracts them so they can not spend quality
time
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their families.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, during working hours, citizens might
loose
Use the right word
lose
show examples
 focus if they are constantly bothered by strangers' unplanned calls
Secondly
Linking Words
, using mobile phones too much every day can be bad for our health. Looking at the screen for a long
time
Use synonyms
 can cause eye strain and
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
. It
also
Linking Words
 makes people feel tired and stressed.
For example
Linking Words
, if an individual always
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to answer calls from work or friends
while
Linking Words
 they are sleeping
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 person
cannot
Verb problem
not
show examples
 relax and
feels
Wrong verb form
feeling
show examples
 unhappy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the next day In the conclusion, I believe that the overuse the high-tech
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 for both work and personal calls at any
time
Use synonyms
 has more negative effects than positive. It makes people can not have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rest
time
Use synonyms
, focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and affect
health
Correct pronoun usage
their health
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to fully develop your ideas with complete examples and explanations.
coherence
Try to improve the flow of your essay by using linking words between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence
Include a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points more clearly.
strength
Your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic.
strength
You have included relevant examples that support your points.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: