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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In the recent past,
people
Use synonyms
 in many countries have tended to
move
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 into the
city
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 centre, leading to a smaller population in the countryside. In my opinion, I think these developments contribute more disadvantages. There will be fewer developments in the rural
areas
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, and overpopulation in the
city
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. It is fairly common
that
Change preposition
for
show examples
 citizens
Verb problem
to
show examples
move
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 from the countryside to live in the
city
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 because it has more career options.
However
Linking Words
, there are fewer job offers than the number. Most rural
people
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 moving into the town have difficulty seeking for new job, and
this
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 leads to unemployment problems.
In addition
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, the number of
people
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 in the
city
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 is larger than the
residences
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residents
show examples
.
As a result
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, issues of overpopulation emerged.
Moreover
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, since new generations
move
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 away from their hometown, the rural
areas
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 will have only ageing
people
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 left.
Then
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, the rural
areas
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 will become less developed without new generations improving them, as young
people
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move
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 out. After several years, the elderly passed away, and the rural
city
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 became a ghost town. The cultures of rural
areas
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 were
then
Linking Words
 forgotten by the past, since nobody lives in rural
areas
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 anymore.
For example
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, one of the islands in Japan is having an issue becoming a ghost town, because teenagers were moved to study and find jobs on the mainland. Only the elderly were left on the faraway island. With all these considerations, I think negative effects outweigh positive effects. Rural cultures will be forgotten, and no developments will happen if young
people
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move
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 out to the
city
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.
In contrast
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, overpopulation, unemployment and an increase in homelessness become challenges in the downtown.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main points in the introduction and support each one with evidence in the body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words to connect your ideas more clearly, like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally'.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points better, showing how these changes affect people.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion.
task achievement
The use of a real example about Japan adds depth to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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