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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the number of hours worked by men & women per week in Australia in 2007. Summarise information by selecting and reporting main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the number of hours worked by men & women per week in Australia in 2007. Summarise information by selecting and reporting main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given graph illustrates
weekly
Correct article usage
the weekly
show examples
 working
hours
Use synonyms
 of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in 2007. The horizontal sequence of numbers
represent
Correct subject-verb agreement
represents
show examples
 working
hours
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
, divided into five different categories, ranging from 0 to 80
hours
Use synonyms
 per week, and the vertical numbers tell us the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in each range of
hours
Use synonyms
. The dotted bars represent the
men
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the striped ones represent the
women
Use synonyms
. For
starter
Fix the agreement mistake
starters
show examples
, it is very clear that
women
Use synonyms
 absolutely dominated in the 0-10 and 10-20 working
hours
Use synonyms
 categories. And with 35%,
women
Use synonyms
 hit their peak in the 30-50 working
hours
Use synonyms
 segment. The
men
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 hit their peak here, standing at
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 extraordinary 43%, which is
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 number of all. After that, the results of both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 start declining in the 60-80 and over 80 working
hours
Use synonyms
 weekly categories. The statistics have shown us that
men
Use synonyms
 work harder than
women
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 tend to work fewer
hours
Use synonyms
 per week
generally
Punctuation problem
, generally
show examples
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of strength and persistence compared to
men
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 have to take care of the family,
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
show examples
 have less time actually working and making money.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, men, women with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "represent" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Bar chart
  • Hours worked
  • Overall trend
  • Significant differences
  • Similarities
  • Peaks
  • Full-time
  • Part-time
  • Overtime
  • Proportion
  • Represented
  • Categories
  • Variations
  • Societal roles
  • National employment policies
  • Predominantly
  • Engaging in
  • Comparison
  • Domestic duties
  • Employment trends
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