IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to school provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

Different forms of media are highlighted
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
fast
Correct pronoun usage
which fast
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 companies are spending
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 promotion. Especially, they are targeting
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation and their influence on schools they choose
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 as their prime target. These are some consequences of it. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will illustrate its impact on young children. First of all, readily made
food
Use synonyms
 has
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 amount of sugars and
usually
Verb problem
is usually
show examples
 high in fat. These are
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 main
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 of obesity. For the long run, young ones become
more fat
Correct word choice
fatter
show examples
 and it will create
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 bad impact on their health.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent survey highlights that pre-schoolers who consume more sugary products under the influence of these companies have very negative consequences like high blood pressure and sugar, heart disease and so on.
Secondly
Linking Words
, fast
food
Use synonyms
 has
tendency
Correct article usage
a tendency
show examples
 to get addictive. These
manufacture
Replace the word
manufacturing
show examples
 companies know the
fact
Use synonyms
 that once it becomes addictive, students cannot resist
to purchase
Wrong verb form
purchasing
show examples
 it. As they know the
fact
Use synonyms
 that children have low self-control, they can manipulate the price once
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the product has
been
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increased in the market. These are the reasons they spend
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
 to advertise their product. In
fact
Use synonyms
, these big giants tend to distribute handsome packages to school authorities so they will promote
already made
Use the right word
already-made
show examples
 products. In my opinion, taking
money
Use synonyms
 to promote unhealthy
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 is completely unethical because it is not good for children. In
fact
Use synonyms
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take stringent action against people who
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 kind of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these fast
food
Use synonyms
 giants should come up with new products which are healthier. In conclusion, students are
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 of any
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
. It is not acceptable to bleak their future for some
money
Use synonyms
. Government should make
one
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
mmity
Correct your spelling
commitment
 to
moniter
Correct your spelling
monitor
 these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of things.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to clearly outline your main ideas in each paragraph. Make sure each point relates closely to the main topic and is easy to understand.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your points. This can help make your arguments stronger and more credible.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic and what you will discuss in the essay.
positive
You presented your opinions clearly and structured your essay into paragraphs, which is good practice.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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