IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities ( for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society, some individuals think that
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 of all ages might have more responsibilities.
However
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
told
Verb problem
said
show examples
 that, out of school, children’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 should be free to enjoy. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
analyze
Use the right word
analyse
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
both
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 and later give my own perspective. On the one hand, some students need to take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 take action into the house chores or
house works
Use the right word
homework
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
,
outsides
Replace the word
outside
show examples
 of school, they
also
Linking Words
 need spare
time
Use synonyms
 to support their parents
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of relaxation and calm
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 improve children’s essential life skills so they would become more independent.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
wealthy
Correct article usage
a wealthy
show examples
 family
that
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
 parents let their children
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
come and enter their business
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 children may work in their free
time
Use synonyms
 to learn and
earn
Verb problem
gain
show examples
 more experience.
For example
Linking Words
, many young people tend to choose
get
Verb problem
to get
show examples
 a job when they have spare
time
Use synonyms
 in
summer
Punctuation problem
summer,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 might give them more experience or learn more about the
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
 market
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is really important for their future careers.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, at schools, pupils
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been restricted so they need more
time
Use synonyms
 to explore their personal strength, because they ought to follow the process of
currula
Correct your spelling
curriculum
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, after school
time
Use synonyms
, they would spend that period
to discover
Verb problem
discovering
show examples
 and
reach
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 their potential. To illustrate, they can get some other achievements in sports and relaxation at the
sam
Use the right word
same
show examples
time
Use synonyms
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 they can attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a badminton club or take part in a football
champion
Check wording
championship
show examples
 in the summer
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 would rescue their mental health and improve their academic performance. In conclusion, having extra responsibilities or
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 free to enjoy
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 both
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits and disadvantages for
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 they can help their parents in their leisure
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 would make them
earn
Use the right word
learn
show examples
 more about the family bond.
Besides
Linking Words
, if they go out and enjoy their life, they could know more about themselves and their abilities.

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task achievement
Make sure your thesis statement clearly outlines your main points in the introduction. This will guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to indicate what the main point will be about.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas better within and between paragraphs using linking words (e.g., 'firstly', 'on the other hand').
task achievement
Add more specific examples or personal experiences to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which is good for showing the different views.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the main points you discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extra responsibilities
  • develop skills
  • life lessons
  • work ethic
  • sense of responsibility
  • contribute to
  • family
  • community
  • playtime
  • physical development
  • mental development
  • balance
  • enjoyment
  • guide
  • childhood
What to do next:
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