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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

( Lâm Trần ) 2. The chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

( Lâm Trần ) 2. The chart below shows the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in different levels of school education. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The board below take the view
the
Correct word choice
that the
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 number of
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
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 per 100 boys enrolled in different
stage
Fix the agreement mistake
stages
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 of school
education
Use synonyms
Overall
Linking Words
 , the chart takes information about the rate in both developing and developed countries
in
Change preposition
over
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 8
years
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 takes the target
,
Punctuation problem
.
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Linking Words
this
Fix capitalization
This
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 essay will
make
Verb problem
be divided into
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 2 parts about developing at
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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and developed at
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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. In developing countries , the rates in
this
Linking Words
 period have a trend of decreasing from the primary level to
tertiary
Correct article usage
the tertiary
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education
Use synonyms
 level . With the primary
education
Use synonyms
 in 8
years
Use synonyms
 , they just grew 4 values of rate with the beginning rate being 83 , but the secondary
have
Wrong verb form
education has
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 improved even 10 girls after 8
years
Use synonyms
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 the
last
Linking Words
 point in 1998 being 82 . Other tertiary
education
Use synonyms
 is the lowest in
3 stage
Correct your spelling
the 3-stage
education
Use synonyms
 with 9 increase points.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , the developed
in
Change preposition
apply
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this
Linking Words
 board
then
Linking Words
 the opposite of the developing countries
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 the development from primary to tertiary
education
Use synonyms
 . After 8
years
Use synonyms
 , the primary and secondary have a good stay and just up 1 point
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 the beginning point being 95 and 98 . The
last
Linking Words
 one is tertiary, the highest
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 the beginning value is 105 and after 8
years
Use synonyms
 is 112 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words education, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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