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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information about the age of visitors from the UK to Spain in 1983 and in 2003.

The charts below give information about the age of visitors from the UK to Spain in 1983 and in 2003.
The chart shows the figure
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the age of visitors
travel
Verb problem
travelling
show examples
 from
Correct article usage
the Uk
show examples
Uk
Use the right word
UK
show examples
 to Spain between 1983 and 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
rate
Use synonyms
 of visitors in
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
-54
years
Use synonyms
 old was the highest,
besides
Linking Words
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Punctuation problem
that,
show examples
 the 16-24
years
Use synonyms
be
Verb problem
age group was
show examples
 the lowest
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 1983, the proportion of the 35-54
years
Use synonyms
 used up half of a pie chart and
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
50% and
then
Linking Words
 it
was decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to 35% in 2003.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of the 25-34
years
Use synonyms
 started with 20% in 1983, but
then
Linking Words
 it came to 2003, the
rate
Use synonyms
 of 25-34
years
Use synonyms
 went down significantly to 12%.
In addition
Linking Words
, the figure of the 55+
years
Use synonyms
 in 1983
was reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
16% and
then
Linking Words
 it went up to 26% in 2003. With the proportion of the 0-15
years
Use synonyms
 which was at 10% in 1983,
however
Linking Words
, when it came to
2003
Punctuation problem
2003,
show examples
 the
rate
Use synonyms
 went up slightly to 12%. The
last
Linking Words
 one was the figure of the 16-24
years
Use synonyms
 that had the lowest percentage
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was 4% in 1983
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
otherwise
Linking Words
, it had a significant
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in 2003
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
which
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 the
rate
Use synonyms
 was at 15%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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