IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries,fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that school promote their products to schools children.What do you think is positive and negative of this in the developent of children ?

Globally, in specific regions, quick service restaurants and
organizations
Use the right word
organisations
show examples
 donate money to schools with
intention
Correct article usage
the intention
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
advertize
Verb problem
advertising
show examples
 their
products
Use synonyms
 among
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a negative
devlopment
Correct your spelling
development
 which can lead to
health
Use synonyms
 consequences, potentially harmful to internal
health
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
. One serious problem can
arises
Wrong verb form
arise
show examples
,
Allowing
Fix capitalization
allowing
show examples
 companies to promote their unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
significant
Replace the word
significantly
show examples
 poor diet.
Additionally
Linking Words
, processed food has
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 percentage of sugar,salt and preservatives,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can
affects
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
 to child's
health
Use synonyms
.
Practicing
Use the right word
Practising
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can
sets
Wrong verb form
set
show examples
children
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
up to
show examples
unhealthy
Verb problem
be unhealthy
show examples
 adults
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be expensive for the state in the long term.
For instance
Linking Words
,
As
Fix capitalization
as
show examples
 per
report
Correct article usage
a report
show examples
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of
Tronto
Use the right word
Toronto's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 science department stated
that
Correct word choice
children
show examples
Children
Use synonyms
 are heavily influenced
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 junk food by
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisements
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can create poor
health
Use synonyms
Change preposition
in adult
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
. Another contributing factor because
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
promotiong
Correct your spelling
promoting
 the
products
Use synonyms
 can be unethical and exploitative. To be more specific,
children
Use synonyms
 are easily influenced
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
. Their mind are so locked that they cannot distinguish
difference
Correct article usage
the difference
show examples
 between wrong and right. They are not able to form
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 own opinions.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 kind of market strategy
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 played to indirectly target parents
throught
Correct your spelling
through
 the medium of their
children
Use synonyms
. Adding one more to
this
Linking Words
, expensive
products
Use synonyms
 can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to demand luxury items from their parents
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 may
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
create
Correct article usage
a mismatch
show examples
mismatch budget
Correct word order
budget mismatch
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 promotional game played by the big companies and restaurants
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
some what
Use the right word
somewhat
show examples
 not appropriate
Correct word choice
and need
show examples
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to
crub
Wrong verb form
be cut
show examples
 down. In conclusion, Money donation campaign by restaurants and companies to schools is
completely
Correct article usage
a completely
show examples
 negative phenomenon,
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 these people have bad consequences rather than beneficial impacts.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your ideas are clearly connected. Use linking phrases like 'firstly,' 'also,' and 'finally.' This will help readers follow your thoughts more easily.
task achievement
Try to support your main points with more specific examples or evidence. This will make your arguments stronger and more believable.
language
Check your spelling and grammar. Carefully review for mistakes to improve clarity. For example, correct 'devlopment' to 'development' and 'thier' to 'their.'
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and shows clear opinion about the negative effects of fast food promotion in schools.
task achievement
You provide relevant points about the health impacts and the influence on children, which helps support your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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