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Writing Samples
Band 5

In order to learn the way other people in the world lives, it is better to look at film and video records than written documents. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

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With the rapid development of
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 and media, it has become more and more convenient for
people
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 to learn about the lives of others who are living in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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different parts of
world
Correct article usage
the world
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.
However
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, I only
partial
Replace the word
partially
 agree with the view that
film
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 and
video
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records
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 are better than written
documents
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, because I think both of them are necessary and we cannot just rely on one single way. On the one hand,
film
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 and
video
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records
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 have many advantages for
people
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 to understand
other's life
Fix the agreement mistake
others' lives
show examples
.
Firstly
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, it is very intuitive and visual, especially for those
people
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 who cannot go to visit a place by themselves in person.
For example
Linking Words
, a documentary
film
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 about
people
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 living in
rainforest
Correct article usage
the rainforest
show examples
 can let us
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
see their real life directly.
Secondly
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,
video
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records
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 very easy to spread
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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people
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 can watch them in many places as long as they have
internet
Correct article usage
an internet
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 connection. So it is a very convenient way to access information about other cultures.
On the other hand
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, written
documents
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also
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 play
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important role which we cannot ignore. Human have been using
writings
Replace the word
writing
 to record their life since many thousands of years
ago
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, so there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 much more written
materials
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material
show examples
 available on many topics. Take the study of oracle bone script as
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 example, the
video
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documentations
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documentation
show examples
 about
this
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 ancient civilisation is almost non-existent, and researchers have no choice but to rely on written
records
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 to understand how these
peoples
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people
show examples
 lived.
This
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show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 that written
documents
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 are very important and irreplaceable in many
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
. In conclusion, both
film
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 and
video
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records
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 and written
documents
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 have their own advantages and disadvantages. I believe that
people
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 should try to combine these two kinds of media as much as possible when they want to learn about the lives of others around the world, because only in
this
Linking Words
 way can we get a more comprehensive and accurate understanding.

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task response
Answer all parts of the question more clearly. Say more strongly why you partly agree.
task response
Add one more clear idea about why writing can be better in some cases.
task response
Use examples with a little more detail, so your points feel more full and real.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main paragraph start with one very clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence follows the one before in a smooth way.
task response
You answer the question and show a clear position: you partly agree.
task response
You use examples, like the rainforest film and oracle bone script.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You group ideas well into film/video and written documents.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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