IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In order to learn the way other people in the world lives, it is better to look at film and video records than written documents. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

The debate about whether learning from other people in the world by
video
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 records is better than by paper documents has been widely discussed in the past few years. From my perspective, I completely agree that visual media offers a more vivid and efficient way to understand diverse lifestyles across cultures.
Firstly
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, films and
videos
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 provide visual and auditory experiences that make it easier for viewers to grasp cultural contexts. Unlike written texts,
video
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 media represent different worlds ’ dwellers ’ lives by visual pictures or
videos
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 with local music,
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which could
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could
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can
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 directly show how the different lifestyles for their daily lives.
For instance
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, a documentary series about Italian cuisine may showcase different meals. With eating scenes
Punctuation problem
,
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enjoying traditional meals.
This
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 allows audiences from other countries,
such
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 as China, to intuitively understand habits like eating with knives and forks rather than chopsticks.
Therefore
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, the
videos
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 quickly convey the information.
Moreover
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,Learning about other cultures via
video
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 records is more time-efficient than paper documents. In a fast-paced society, many people do not have the time or patience to read lengthy texts.
Instead
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, they prefer short, informative travel
videos
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 that offer quick insights.
For instance
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, a survey by airline companies revealed that the majority of passengers prefer watching destination introduction
videos
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 over reading guidebooks, as the former saves time
while
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 still delivering useful information. In conclusion,
i
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I
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 strongly believe that film or
video
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 is better than paper documents when it comes to learning about other cultures. Their vivid presentation and accessibility make them ideal for modern learners who seek quick and engaging ways to understand global lifestyles. Ultimately,
video
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 media plays a vital role in fostering cultural awareness and promoting global integration.

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task achievement
The introduction states the main idea, but it could be clearer about your position. Consider rephrasing it to show more clearly that you completely agree with the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Try to link your ideas more smoothly. For example, use phrases like 'In addition', or 'Furthermore' to connect points and make the writing flow better.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or details to support your points. For instance, explain why certain visual images are more effective in learning than text.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion and your main points are relevant to the topic.
supported main points
You included examples which help to explain your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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