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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The tables detail
population
Use synonyms
 changes in New York
City
Use synonyms
 and its
districts
Use synonyms
 (
Manhattan
Use synonyms
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) from 1800 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, New York
City
Use synonyms
's total
population
Use synonyms
 soared over these two centuries.
Manhattan
Use synonyms
's
population
Use synonyms
 share declined,
while
Linking Words
 the other
districts
Use synonyms
'
population
Use synonyms
 and share surged. In 1800, the
city
Use synonyms
 had 79,216 people. By 1900,
this
Linking Words
 jumped to 3,437,202, and
further
Linking Words
 to 8,009,185 in 2000.
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 held 60,515 residents (76% of the total) in 1800. By 1900, its
population
Use synonyms
grew
Wrong verb form
had grown
show examples
 to 1,850,093
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 its share
dropped
Verb problem
had dropped
show examples
 to 54%. By 2000, it fell to 1,538,096, making up just 19% of the total. The other
districts
Use synonyms
 had 18,701 people (24% of the total) in 1800. In 1900, their
population
Use synonyms
 reached 1,587,109 (46% of the total). By 2000, it soared to 6,471,089, accounting for 81% of the
city
Use synonyms
's
population
Use synonyms
. In short, New York
City
Use synonyms
's
overall
Linking Words
population
Use synonyms
 expanded dramatically.
Manhattan
Use synonyms
's demographic influence waned,
while
Linking Words
 the other
districts
Use synonyms
 became far more populous and dominant in the
city
Use synonyms
's makeup.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, city, districts, manhattan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "soared" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • people
  • city
  • five
  • district
  • grow
  • growth
  • rise
  • increase
  • increase
  • rise
  • fall
  • decline
  • high
  • low
  • big
  • large
  • small
  • more
  • less
  • over time
  • by year
  • in total
  • compare
  • compared with
  • whereas
  • trend
  • pattern
  • overall
  • feature
  • note
  • point
  • difference
  • lead
  • catch up
  • late
  • early
  • century
  • decade
  • period
  • 2000
  • 1800
  • 1900
  • continuous
  • steady
  • rapid
  • fast
  • slow
  • periods
  • numbers
  • data
  • report
  • describe
  • summarise
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