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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below show the consumption of three kinds os spreads between 1981 and 2007

The graph below show the consumption of three kinds os spreads between 1981 and 2007
The line graph illustrates the amount of three categories of spreads (
Margarine
Use synonyms
,
butter
Use synonyms
 and
low fat
Use the right word
low-fat
show examples
 and reduced spreads) which were consumed from 1981 to 2007. Units are measured in
grams
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the consumption of
butter
Use synonyms
 and
margarine
Use synonyms
 decreased over the period given,
while
Linking Words
 the low fat and reduced spreads
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
rose. At the start of the
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
butter
Use synonyms
 was the most popular spread.
Margarine
Use synonyms
 was the most used spread in the middle of the period. By the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
low fat
Use the right word
low-fat
show examples
 and reduced spreads
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 most popular. In terms of
Butter
Use synonyms
, the consumption of it began at around 140
grams
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
 peaked at 160
grams
Use synonyms
 in 1986 before falling dramatically to 50
grams
Use synonyms
 in the
last
Linking Words
 year.
Likewise
Linking Words
, approximately 90
grams
Use synonyms
 of
margarine
Use synonyms
 was eaten in the first year
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it rose up about 100
grams
Use synonyms
 in 1991 and
stayed
Verb problem
remained
show examples
steadily
Replace the word
steady
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
kept
Verb problem
continued
show examples
 to fall until the
last
Linking Words
 year. Meanwhile, the consumption of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
low fat
Use the right word
low-fat
show examples
 and reduced spreads only started in
1996
Punctuation problem
1996,
show examples
 around 10
grams
Use synonyms
 and peaked
over
Change preposition
at over
show examples
 80
grams
Use synonyms
 in 2001, fell slightly to approximately 70
grams
Use synonyms
 in 2007.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words margarine, butter, grams with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reduced" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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