IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born, and there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. To what extent do you agree?

Some people believe that our
personalities
Use synonyms
 totally depend on our genes before we are born, and no external factors can
change
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 or reshape a
person
Use synonyms
's character.
While
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 I agree that genetic makeup influences our
traits
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, saying that the behaviour or
charcater
Correct your spelling
character
 cannot be
Use synonyms
change
Replace the word
changed
show examples
 is
totally
Correct article usage
a totally
show examples
 wrong perception. In my opinion, several factors
such
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 as environmental, personal experiences and individual choices can significantly reshape and
change
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traits
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 over
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, there is no doubt
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that genetics
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 an influence on some aspects of a
person
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
personalities
Fix the agreement mistake
personality
show examples
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
temperment
Correct your spelling
temperament
,
behavioral
Use the right word
behavioural
show examples
 tendencies and natural confidence.
For example
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, studies on two
indetical
Correct your spelling
identical
twin
Fix the agreement mistake
twins
show examples
 who
raised
Verb problem
were raised
show examples
 in
seprate
Correct your spelling
separate
 environments have shown that there are certain similarities
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 them, suggesting
genetic
Correct article usage
a genetic
show examples
 basis.
However
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,
such
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 influences are limited.
Moreover
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, if a
person
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born
Verb problem
is born
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 with
shy
Correct article usage
a shy
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 nature
it
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, it
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 does not mean
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
may
Verb problem
will
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 remain shy throughout
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 life.
On
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In
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 contrast,
although
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 genes have a certain impact on
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 personality, it can totally
change
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 over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time because of the external factors. Many outer elements
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the way a
person
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raised
Verb problem
was raised
show examples
, the way he
gets
Verb problem
received his
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 education, the people he
intreacts
Correct your spelling
interacts
 with, and the challenges he faced during his
upbringing
Punctuation problem
upbringing,
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 can reshape character
traits
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 totally.
For instance
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, if an
introvert
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introverted
show examples
person
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 wants to
change
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his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
nature
Punctuation problem
nature,
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he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
change
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 via socialising, making friends and self-help techniques.
Moreover
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,
pyschological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 therapies,
intreacting
Correct your spelling
interacting
 with new people, building relationships and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
career
opportunties
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 can overcome the fear and evolve
personalities
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. In conclusion,
although
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 genetics
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a key role
to form
Change preposition
in forming
show examples
 some habits, these habits can be changed or reshaped. Basically,
personalities
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 and
charcter
Correct your spelling
character
traits
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 are not predetermined
can
Correct word choice
and can
show examples
 be altered with life experiences, upbringing environment and personal choices.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction. This will help guide your essay's focus.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your ideas in a logical order. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that supports your argument.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to make your points stronger. You mentioned introverts changing, but more detail would help.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammar. Small errors can make your writing less clear.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by recognizing both genetic and environmental factors influencing personality.
task achievement
Your examples help to explain your points, especially regarding introverts and socializing.
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