IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that women should be able to join their country's army and police forces, but others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion, including examples from your knowledge and experience.

There is no denying the fact that nowadays many countries have allowed females to
work
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
armies
Check wording
military
show examples
 or in police sectors.
While
Linking Words
 there is a commonly held belief that
Use synonyms
womens
Correct your spelling
women
 can not be practical in
this
Linking Words
 kind of
work
Use synonyms
. There is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that they can help in
this
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 like men.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyse the topic from both points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 and give my opinion.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 one hand, recently,
Use synonyms
womens
Correct your spelling
women
 have the physical ability to
fight
Use synonyms
 in their own way.
In other words
Linking Words
, the
develompent
Correct your spelling
development
 in tools
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they can carry
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weapons easily
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 a gun, so new weapons
suitable
Verb problem
are suitable
show examples
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 women's strength.
In addition
Linking Words
, they do not need to
fight
Use synonyms
 directly, so high
probability
Replace the word
probable
show examples
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 will not
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
show examples
 to dangerous situations that
need
Verb problem
require
show examples
 physical
touch
Check wording
contact
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, if they
work
Use synonyms
 in
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
army
Punctuation problem
army,
show examples
 they can use snipers to
fight
Use synonyms
 and protect themselves.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand,
Use synonyms
womens
Correct your spelling
women
expose
Wrong verb form
are exposed
show examples
 to the risk more than men. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that the bad
people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
 whether
if
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they are criminals or enemies,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
tragrt
Correct your spelling
target
 the soldier women before
any one
Use the right word
anyone
show examples
 else because people always considered female as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weak creatures.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
womens
Check wording
women's
show examples
 faces look cute, so that makes criminals
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
affraid
Correct your spelling
afraid
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them.
For instance
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a study held in America, they discovered that many
thieves
Punctuation problem
thieves,
show examples
 when they face a
Use synonyms
womens
Correct your spelling
woman
 they choose to hit
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 when they face a
men
Punctuation problem
men,
show examples
 they run away. In conclusion, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that
Use synonyms
womens
Correct your spelling
women
 can
work
Use synonyms
 and achieve success in
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 sector or any
work
Use synonyms
 that
need to
Wrong verb form
requires fighting
show examples
fight
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Make sure to use correct plural forms, like 'women' instead of 'womens'.
Coherence
Structure your paragraphs clearly. Start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples and details to support your ideas.
Content
You present both sides of the argument clearly, which is good for task achievement.
Coherence
Your opinion is stated at the end, which helps in giving a complete response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender equality
  • Diversity and inclusion
  • Talent pool
  • Physical strength and endurance
  • Unit cohesion
  • Morale
  • Effectiveness
  • Training and support structures
  • Critics
  • Unique skills and perspectives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: