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Writing Samples
Band 4

diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugarcane. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The drawing illustrates the production
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane in seven steps.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
process
Use synonyms
 starts from growing
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes for around 12 to 18 months;
that is
Linking Words
 the longest step in
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
 and ends with crystals
form
Check wording
apply
show examples
of
sugar
Use synonyms
. There are various steps
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as growing, harvesting, crushing, purifying, evaporation,
centrifugation
Correct word choice
and centrifugation
show examples
 are involved.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the harvesting
process
Use synonyms
done
Verb problem
is done
show examples
 either by axe or agricultural instruments. After that,
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes usually
passthrough
Use the right word
pass through
show examples
 a machine which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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juice
Use synonyms
 out of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 by crushing technique and
collected
Verb problem
is collected
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, that
juice
Use synonyms
 goes
under
Change preposition
through
show examples
purification
Correct article usage
a purification
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process
Use synonyms
 via
Correct article usage
a specialized
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specialized
Use the right word
specialised
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 limestone filter to remove unwanted particles.
Moreover
Linking Words
, purified
juice
Use synonyms
Linking Words
then
Verb problem
is then
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 heated in
evaporator
Correct article usage
an evaporator
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 until it
gets
Verb problem
becomes
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thickness
Replace the word
thick
show examples
 like syrup. To add on,
thick
Correct article usage
the thick
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 version of
juice
Use synonyms
 goes through
into
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the centrifuge tool; it rotates at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 specific speed to separate liquid and
sugar
Use synonyms
 crystals from
syrup
Correct article usage
the syrup
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.
Lastly
Linking Words
, those crystals get collected and
store
Replace the word
stored
show examples
Change preposition
in at
show examples
at
Use the right word
a
show examples
 dry and cool place.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, process, juice with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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