IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that Olympic game are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympics is a waste of money and the money could be better spend on other things. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, spending on international events like the Olympic Games is a heated debate.
Although
Linking Words
 a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
this
Linking Words
 kind of event is a squandering of money, many argue the opposite and reckon that these games can unify individuals from different countries. I agree with holding
this
Linking Words
 competition because I believe that these expenses bring greater benefits to countries.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, holding these international games is like promoting exercise for
people
Use synonyms
 and encouraging them to go to the gym.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it can improve
overall
Linking Words
 health among
people
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, every
country
Use synonyms
 has many traditions that others are unfamiliar with. These kinds of events are a fantastic opportunity for nations to exhibit their culture and beliefs.
For example
Linking Words
, the
last
Linking Words
 Winter Olympics, which were held in China, were a true victory for them because many
people
Use synonyms
 found out that China is a great and beautiful
country
Use synonyms
 with a rich history.
Body paragraph 2
Although
Linking Words
 there are a huge number of benefits, for a
country
Use synonyms
 that has infrastructure issues like roads, hospitals, and public transportation , spending money on
this
Linking Words
 event can cause protests in that nation.
For instance
Linking Words
, Greece held the Olympics , and it was a fatal mistake for them and brought more than 5 billion dollars in debt.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 kind of event can bring a huge number of
people
Use synonyms
 to a small city and cause an unpleasant environment for residents. In the
last
Linking Words
 Olympics in France, the crowded subway caused many problems for local
people
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, it caused protests and brought damage to the city.
Conclusion
In conclusion, investing in these events can be beneficial for a
country
Use synonyms
's culture and unifying
people
Use synonyms
 around the globe, but it should be done
while
Linking Words
 considering the
country
Use synonyms
's situation , especially economically.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. Some points seem mixed and not very clear.
task achievement
Use more specific examples from other Olympics or related events to support your ideas.
task achievement
Add a bit more detail or explanation for some of your points, like how culture is shared or what benefits come from exercise.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents both views and states your opinion.
task achievement
You give good examples of culture sharing and health benefits from the Olympics.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: