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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that Olympic game are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympics is a waste of money and the money could be better spend on other things. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, spending on international events like the Olympic Games is a heated debate.
Although
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 a lot of
people
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 believe that
this
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 kind of event is a squandering of money, many argue the opposite and reckon that these games can unify individuals from different countries. I agree with holding
this
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 competition because I believe that these expenses bring greater benefits to countries. First of all, holding these international games is like promoting exercise for
people
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 and encouraging them to go to the gym.
Therefore
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, it can improve
overall
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 health among
people
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.
Secondly
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, every
country
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 has many traditions that others are unfamiliar with. These kinds of events are a fantastic opportunity for nations to exhibit their culture and beliefs.
For example
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, the
last
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 Winter Olympics, which were held in China, were a true victory for them because many
people
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 found out that China is a great and beautiful
country
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 with a rich history.
Although
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 there are a huge number of benefits, for a
country
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 that has infrastructure issues like roads, hospitals, and public transportation , spending money on
this
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 event can cause protests in that nation.
For instance
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, Greece held the Olympics , and it was a fatal mistake for them and brought more than 5 billion dollars in debt.
Moreover
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,
this
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 kind of event can bring a huge number of
people
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 to a small city and cause an unpleasant environment for residents. In the
last
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 Olympics in France, the crowded subway caused many problems for local
people
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.
Finally
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, it caused protests and brought damage to the city. In conclusion, investing in these events can be beneficial for a
country
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's culture and unifying
people
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 around the globe, but it should be done
while
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 considering the
country
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's situation , especially economically.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. Some points seem mixed and not very clear.
task achievement
Use more specific examples from other Olympics or related events to support your ideas.
task achievement
Add a bit more detail or explanation for some of your points, like how culture is shared or what benefits come from exercise.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents both views and states your opinion.
task achievement
You give good examples of culture sharing and health benefits from the Olympics.
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