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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000.

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000.
the
Fix capitalization
The
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 given line graph indicates the percentage revolution of
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
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rate
Use synonyms
 of
China
Use synonyms
 and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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in
Change preposition
over
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period
Correct article usage
the period
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 of 80 years
starting
Punctuation problem
, starting
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1920
Change preposition
in 1920
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
although
Linking Words
 the USA had a consistently higher
rate
Use synonyms
 than
China
Use synonyms
 during
this
Linking Words
 period,
both
Use synonyms
 rates showed a downward trend. As
is
Verb problem
apply
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illustrated by the graph in 1920,
both
Use synonyms
 countries had similar birth rates, around 10%. Between 1920 and 1940, the rates in
both
Use synonyms
 countries showed some fluctuation. In the early 1940s, the birth
rate
Use synonyms
 in
China
Use synonyms
 dropped sharply to about 5%, and the USA’s
rate
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 decreased, but more slowly. Between 1945 and 1950,
China
Use synonyms
 saw a sudden rise, reaching a peak of 20%,
while
Linking Words
 the USA
also
Linking Words
 increased
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 not as much. After that,
both
Use synonyms
 countries experienced a steady decline.
China
Use synonyms
’s
rate
Use synonyms
 fell more quickly than the USA’s and dropped less than 5% by the year 2000. The USA’s
rate
Use synonyms
 declined more gradually and finished above 5%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, china, both with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • birth rate
  • demographics
  • population control policy
  • One-Child Policy
  • Baby Boom
  • fertility rate
  • census data
  • fluctuations
  • societal norms
  • economic prosperity
  • Great Leap Forward
  • family planning
  • contraception
  • workforce participation
  • aging population
  • urbanization
  • trend analysis
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