IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the salt intake of men and women in different age groups in a country in Europe in 2019.

The bar chart below shows the salt intake of men and women in different age groups in a country in Europe in 2019.
The bar chart gives information about
Use synonyms
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of
salt
Use synonyms
 by gender in
variety
Replace the word
various
show examples
 age groups in a country in Europe in 2019.  
Overall
Linking Words
, 30-39 in-took the most of
salt
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 2-5 years old were least
-
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 preferred in eating
salt
Use synonyms
both
Punctuation problem
, both
show examples
 males and females.   Starting with 2-5
men
Use synonyms
1050
Punctuation problem
, 1050
show examples
milligrams
Use synonyms
 of
salt
Use synonyms
 was eaten
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 amount was only 1030.
6
Correct article usage
The 6
show examples
-11 year old group accounted for 2050
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was more than
recommended
Correct article usage
the recommended
show examples
Use synonyms
intake
Correct word order
daily intake
show examples
daily
Punctuation problem
daily,
show examples
 as
same
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
was with
women
Use synonyms
. 12-19 males amount of daily
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 showed nearly 4000 compared
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2900
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 females.       
By
Linking Words
contrast
Punctuation problem
contrast,
show examples
 with 20-29 year old
men
Use synonyms
 with almost 5000
intake
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
, women
show examples
women
Check wording
women's
show examples
consumption
Use synonyms
 accounted for 3080 only.   30-39
men
Use synonyms
salt
Use synonyms
intake
Use synonyms
 was
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 its peak
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 showed only 3090. More than 4000
milligrams
Use synonyms
 of daily
salt
Use synonyms
intake
Use synonyms
 appeared in 40-49
men
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was out of the recommendation.50-59
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 old
women
Use synonyms
 demonstrated with 3000
milligrams
Use synonyms
 per day, and it continued its trend.
However
Linking Words
,
70+
Correct article usage
the 70+
show examples
 age group of
females
Check wording
females'
show examples
 rate
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
salt
Use synonyms
 decreased and became normal,
while
Linking Words
 males remained constant with nearly 4000
milligrams
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words consumption, salt, men, milligrams, women, intake with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • salt intake
  • age groups
  • men
  • women
  • bar chart
  • trend
  • significant differences
  • consume
  • notable
  • variations
  • highest
  • lowest
  • implications
  • health
  • long-term effects
  • recommendations
  • demographics
What to do next:
Look at other essays: