IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowdays in many countries the proportion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is true that several nations have
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
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 rate of
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 as compared to the number of youngsters.
While
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 some people endorse
this
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 idea, others express dissenting opinions. My stance aligns with the side that it is a negative development. One of the bona fide reasons to support my argument is that the countries might experience an
overall
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 significant
declination
Check wording
decline
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 in
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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overall
Linking Words
 development with the surge of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 group. To explain, a healthy and smart workforce is required for a nation’s progression
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 workforce is being decreased with the alarming fall of the
youths
Fix the agreement mistake
youth
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.
Check wording
population.
show examples
This
Linking Words
 trend would considerably affect all the sectors
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 in turn could drastically impact the nation’s GDP. Another underlying logic appears to be the national crisis
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 probably eventually occurs across the globe as the proportion of seniors surpasses
the
Correct article usage
that
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young
Change preposition
of young
show examples
 adults. To be precise, the unexpected growth of older people could
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
cause stress to the government, since authorities should provide the necessary facilities and resources to the
aging
Use the right word
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 of their country, which in turn
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 crises related to finance, security and morality. Another persuasive argument is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
population
Use synonyms
 rate of those countries with
downfall
Correct article usage
a downfall
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 lessen young ones are anticipated to fall substantially in the future.
In other words
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, the decreasing youth numbers would gradually increase
leading
Punctuation problem
, leading
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 to the deterioration of the
population
Use synonyms
 index of the country.
For instance
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, the once highly populated China are currently facing the
aging
Use the right word
ageing
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 issues, because of
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this
Punctuation problem
this,
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 they are promoting
birth
Correct article usage
a birth
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 rate that
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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was once controlled.
To conclude
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, it is my considered opinion that the unprecedented rise in the
elders
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in proportion to youngsters is indeed a negative progress on account of the fact that it would affect the national development &
population
Use synonyms
 index
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well as can result in a mass crisis.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your ideas more clearly. Use paragraphs effectively to separate your main points.
task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the question more fully. Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic and express it well in your introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments are logical and relate to the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • elderly
  • younger generation
  • mentorship
  • social cohesion
  • geriatric care
  • public services
  • infrastructure
  • social welfare
  • pensions
  • healthcare costs
  • economic productivity
  • innovation
  • education
  • job training
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