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Writing Samples
Band 5

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

There has been a discussion about the impacts of
peers
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 on
people
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’s
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
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especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 when they are young.
Whereas
Linking Words
 some consider
peer
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 pressure
as
Change preposition
apply
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a necessary part of social improvement, others mention its harmful aspects. Even though
peer
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 influence has certain benefits, I believe its drawbacks are more significant.
To begin
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with
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with,
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 the advantages,
peer
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 pressure can play a notable role in young social development.
when
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When
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 a young individual is surrounded by aspiring and purposeful
peers
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, they might be unconsciously motivated to care about their future and dreams and adopt healthier habits.
For example
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, when friends force each other to exercise and go to the gym, it can result in much better habits compared to
people
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 who do not undergo
such
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 conditions.
Secondly
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, being in a group of
peers
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 creates a sense of belonging, so it makes a young person emotionally feel self-confidence and self-esteem
which
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, which
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 is significantly remarkable for an adolescent. They are usually supported by their
peer
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 group, no matter how much they have succeeded in their actions or have failed. Turning to the disadvantages, young
people
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 often are tempted to
do
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engage in
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 harmful
behaviors
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behaviours
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such
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 as smoking and drinking since they fear
to be
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being
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 excluded from
peer
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 groups.
As a consequence
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, their education, health and future may be ruined. The second drawback of
peer
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 influence relates to a real young individuality.
Often
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Often,
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 young
people
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 want to attract
peers
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’ attention, so they begin to act like them or show strange
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
Linking Words
while
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, while
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 it’s completely different from their personality.
As a result
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, it has a long-lasting effect on their independence and self-respect.
Moreover
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, if
teens
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 are surrounded by
peers
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 who have opinions and beliefs that are radically different from their families,
teens
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 may be separated from relatives at that age because of
peer
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 influence and proving themselves to friends, so
this
Linking Words
 development puts teenagers in dangerous and unpredictable situations. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
peers
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 make
teens
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 motivated and feel important in society,
peer
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 pressure can have irreparable and everlasting damage to the future of
people
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. In my opinion,
teens
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 should communicate with friends
as well as
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 consider their personal
priority
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priorities
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, dreams and family.

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Task Achievement
Make sure each point is fully explained and connected back to your main argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to guide the reader.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, which is very good.
Task Achievement
You provide some good examples of peer pressure influences.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • behavior
  • age group
  • peer pressure
  • distinct
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • motivate
  • excel
  • positive behaviors
  • substance abuse
  • bullying
  • risky activities
  • belonging
  • acceptance
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • low self-esteem
  • conform
  • individuality
  • personal growth
  • decision-making skills
  • situations
  • resist
  • healthy balance
  • personal development
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